Witnessing War in Motherhood
Oct 7, 2023 a militant Hamas group raided and killed as many as 1200 people during an outdoor music festival in the Gaza strip. As a mother, the current events in the middle east have left me in shock, completely overwhelmed, and in absolute heartbreak. I want to address the sheer terror we are witnessing and the impact this has on motherhood.
Motherhood and our mental state
We are witnessing a terror that is entering our psyches at such a high and fast pace with social media that we are barely noticing the impact it has on us. If you have had any past trauma this may be extremely triggering. It can also present a labyrinth of emotions that are difficult to figure out. The high resolution images on our screens can be so overwhelmingly detailed that we are desensitized by it all. Mothers are seeing children removed from rubble or shaking with a trauma response. I recently saw a video of a mother holding her dead child, wrapped in a white cloth blanket from head to toe. I could not see if the child was a boy or girl, but the scene immediately evoked memories of my own child. The mother was kneeled down, cradling her child to rest in this war, and it completely gutted me to see this video. She rocked her dead child gently and immediately I was reminded of how I rocked my own babies. This reality triggered fear of losing my own child.
Witnessing War far away
I am an Ecuadorian American. My parents gave me the opportunity to be born in the United States. However, the militant gaza is leaving no one unscathed that witnesses their atrocities. In fact, the entire world is watching as it unfolds at a disturbing rate. As I humbly begin to listen to various past documentaries on Israel and Palestine, and listen to the actual people on the ground in the war, I have endless questions. I want to know more on how it all started, why the violence continues, and the extreme guerrilla warfare that has resulted in 230 innocent hostages. Air missiles being thrown at Gaza where civilians are located, can now be witnessed easily on any smartphone. There are images of airstrikes decimating the city of Gaza. Families torn apart by death, destruction, and complete terror.
Looking toward the trauma
Sometimes, we are choosing to watch the trauma unfold on social media and we want to know what is being done for those most vulnerable. We want to be informed so we can be educated on current events to form our own opinions. Many of these current events can be perceived as complex geo-politics. However, it has impacted me from a humanitarian perspective. Witnessing innocent children and women being killed across the globe with brutal warfare is abhorrent. Witnessing war crimes against any innocent civilians, is hard to be silent on and turn a blind eye.
I am currently reading this book called Emotional Inheritance by Galit Atlas, a New York based therapist. She shares her experience, research, and patient’s stories about the legacy of inherited trauma. Galit beautifully shared her wisdom and her own personal story in growing up in Israel after immigrating there with her father from Iran. She sheds light on how we as children will carry our own family’s trauma and inherit what hasn’t been grieved. Especially for those families that carry secrets and shame about loss of loved ones in traumatic ways like the Holocaust. It’s so important to find ways to make sense of our past because it invariably will make its way into the present. Often the past makes its presence known, in a chaotic way and without our own real choice in the matter. Memories are stored in the body and unbeknownst to us, we are often unaware of how it’s manifesting in our own lives.
Stirring our own memory
So many mothers every day have this fragile sense of safety when we send our children off to school here in the United States. Maybe we think that we are safe in the United States but the war reminds us as mothers how fragile we truly are right now. This violence is forcing us to look straight into a war-torn city and mothers can hardly deny how this is simply horrific.
My own safety in motherhood is stirred up, and there is a sense of fear that my children will be gunned down. My own fear played out on my smartphone and my sense of safety was shaken. This time it was no longer in my imagination or in hypotheticals. It was displayed, very vividly, through this mother’s pain and became palpable in my mind as an example of my own worst fears.
Looking away from the terror
It’s important to know our own limitations as mothers and take care of ourselves as we get overstimulated with the violence we are seeing every day. We take care of our children and we forget that we have been overworking to compensate for a child’s needs. We want to make things feel more calm so we work hard at keeping our home in order. This is expected and normal to a certain extent. We also want to shield our children from the terror of war. We turn off the screens to any news, and think this may be what helps.
However, children are privy to our own emotions as adults. They pick up on subtle shifts of parents’ own stress and anxiety. As mothers, we know this is true because they will ask questions or begin to show their own signs of stress. We as mothers need to know how to ask questions to our children about what they hear or see about the war at school. School aged children will hear about current events from News Crew announcements and these days it’s hard to avoid our fast-paced, information-seeking society. Technology has been accessible on smartphones, smartwatchs and many other devices. Shielding children from what other children see or hear historically has always been an issue. Children will often come home with words that they hear about the war. Words that children don’t necessarily understand similar to expletives, however, this time it can harm others due to antisemitic rhetoric they may hear.
It’s natural to want to look away, and it‘s appropriate for our children to be shielded from graphic images or reports. We can reassure our children that we understand that they might hear things at school about the war. We want to listen attentively to their ideas, understanding, and questions. We want to be informed on how to answer their questions. Children will inherit the emotional trauma that we have yet to unfold and process. The feeling of helplessness with our children can feel very palpable. The helplessness exists for both the parent and for the child. We can begin by thanking them for sharing their opinions and ideas. We can continue by helping them understand how we, as mothers, will keep them safe. You can offer them safety even though you may have never received that from your own parents.
Therapy for mothers
We are often blindsighted by absolutely horrifying images of war. What may be even hard to endure are those that enable war to continue or those that try to minimize the impact. This time is especially tenuous for survivors of childhood trauma. As a survivor, you may remember past violence and feeling unsafe.
Mothers need support, especially when past trauma gets reactivated. Families need less judgment and less shame for receiving therapy. I help mothers that have witnessed violence between their parents. Some survivors have only seen a sibling get abused and have incredible guilt that they survived without being the direct victim. However, being a witness to trauma is very similar to being the direct target.. Many adult survivors have endured being a direct victim as a child and they select an abusive partner. This partner may be emotionally abusive and many mothers have a hard time navigating this chapter of life after kids and being controlled by another adult. Many survivors ultimately want a better life for their child.
Mothers deserve a space with a therapist that specializes in being a survivor of childhood trauma. I cater to a mother’s needs and questions on breaking the cycle of violence. I also help address the mother’s questions about the impact of war, and chronic stress they might see in their own child. To schedule a free 15 min consultation call 803-573-0279 or email me here.
