Children’s Books on Boundaries
When it comes to child sexual abuse, parents are the first line of defense. We want parents that are invested in their child’s well being to become empowered and confident. It takes time to develop these skills of communicating with our children because we may have never been taught how to talk about body safety for kids. Did you grow up hearing the word “boundary” being said in your home? The nuances of stating boundaries, practicing them and making time for them is essential in parenting. For many of us, we did not learn how kids and parents need boundaries. Even parents, pediatricians, and other authority figures need to use more deliberate language around boundaries, consent, and kids' body safety. This blog is about recommended children’s books for parents and any caregiver invested in preventing childhood sexual abuse. I also recommend a couple of parent books. Parents need to understand how to introduce concepts like boundaries, body safety and consent.
Boundaries (ages 3-8)
C is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison. This book is a board book and easy to hold by a small child. It’s a great way to introduce the word consent. It has bright hues of color that depict family and friends at gatherings. It goes through scenarios when other adults wish to get a hug from a child who is showing signs that they don’t want a hug. Many times children are preverbal like newborns and parents struggle saying things like “we prefer no one holding our baby at this time. Thank you for respecting our wishes” A young toddler may hide behind a parent and an adult may persist for a hug. One way to advocate for your child’s needs is to verbally redirect the persistently affectionate adult in your home that “we acknowledge when our children refuse to be kissed or touched. We hope you can respect our wishes.”
Adults struggle with their own boundaries setting because they themselves were never taught how a boundary is established. For example, if a family member shows up with a child to visit you even after you have told them you won’t be accepting visitors from anyone right now. This can be hard for parents to assert their needs but very necessary to uphold your own boundaries. It’s okay to not want visitors in the first week of having a baby. As a mother that knows what it is like to literally exit another human from her body, you can decline on visits. When people have poor boundaries they will come visit you and your newborn, unannounced or worse, with a sick child. Stay firm with your boundary and invite them over another time.
Another book really easy to read and even get at the library is called Personal Space Camp by Julia Cook. You can read it after school or right before bed time. It’s about a school aged boy that is learning the boundaries of his personal space. It is set in the context of school and that’s important for young children to start learning how their bubble of space impacts others. This has a lot of outer space and science humor so it’s enjoyable for everyone. If your child doesn’t want to read, I encourage you to try and respect their wishes but also try again at a more open time. They may want a snack after school or have too much energy and need to get outside to play.
Miles is the Boss of His Body by Abbie Schiller, Christine Eclund, and Samantha Counter. This book is about a 6 year old and his birthday party at home. It goes through how even close family members like a grandfather, a brother, and even a younger brother can cross the boundary of personal space. It’s confusing for children to understand personal space and boundaries, and this is a great book to show your child that they have a right to express their feelings on unwanted hugs, or just too much rough housing. I liked this book because at the end, Miles was able to get validation from his family that he is the boss of his body and no one has a right to touch him unless he says it’s okay.
Boundaries, Consent and Body Autonomy (6+)
Another compelling children's author is Jayneen Sanders and one of the first books I began to read to my own children is called My Body What I Say Goes! Sanders begins the book talking about identification and normalization of feelings. She vividly captures examples of feeling safe with your parents like reading or snuggling with a secure parent at night time. The illustrations also demonstrate how a child can feel unsafe such as when they get startled by a dog barking at them while they walk down the sidewalk. Then, she connects the concept of the feelings of unsafe with how a child’s body may react. Examples are a sweaty brow, goosebumps, feeling sick to your stomach, or hair standing up on their arm. I encourage parents to go slowly through this book and they don’t have to read it all at once especially if they are under 5 years old or struggle with reading.
Sanders then covers the issue of secrets and surprises. She firmly believes that families need to promote that there are no secrets kept in families and that children must question when an adult wants to keep a secret with a child. She describes beautifully the importance of personal space and body boundaries so no one has a right to touch them. Lastly, she describes how a child must have a Safety Network of 3-5 people that they can come tell if anyone touches them inappropriately or shows them a pornographic image. This child can tell any of these 3-5 people what happened and the adult will believe the child. This beautiful book is crafted to open the conversation on body safety and helps adults normalize the importance of when a child has selected them as a safe person to tell if something should happen. Her second edition includes a rich illustration of diverse characters such as a child in a wheelchair.
Any of Sander’s books are such a goldmine of information. The number of books she has made in her career is vast and will impress you. She also has free uploads of posters that you can hang up in your child’s play area. It sends the message to any potential perpetrator that you as a caregiver take consent seriously. It’s important also for your children and other peers that visit there for play dates to begin using the vocabulary of “consent, boundaries, and body safety” This book introduces the concept of body boundaries and a network of people a child can tell if someone does something inappropriate. It’s important to have 3-5 people on your safety network that you can talk to just in case a significant family is not available. Sander’s book is so wonderful because it beautifully teaches both parents and young readers. It keeps the reader engaged in concepts like saying “no” and how to pay attention to your red flags.
A second book that I highly recommend is called “I Said No!” by Kimberly King. She is an teacher and advocate for the prevention of childhood sexual abuse. She wrote a children’s book with her child. King had openly talked with her child at the time, to understand body safety and to say something if he ever felt uncomfortable with someone’s behavior toward him. She discusses kid’s consent, private parts for a child such as the bathing suit area and what green flags mean. She very simply describes that children have the right to their body and they can say no when they don’t feel like getting a hug or a kiss. Kimberly King encourages taking a pause in books like these and to have light hearted conversations about these sections. She normalizes the importance of having extended and consistent conversations with your child about body safety.
The top 3 books Parenting books
Birds + Bees + Your Kids by Amy Lang is a very simple easy read to start before their child enters middle school. Even if your child is already in middle school, it helps parents feel more supported. It is a guide to help parents start the conversation about sexuality, love, and relationships at age appropriate levels.. Every parent needs to have this one ready to read and refer to because questions do come up for parents. She helps the reader understand that you don’t have to have all the answers and that knowledge is very empowering for parents. She asks questions in each chapter that helps you reflect and normalize why it might be difficult to talk about these issues with your child. She even discusses the ongoing problematic role social media and the internet have on your child. At the end of the book she has more resources she recommends for parents of various ages.
Sex Positive Talks to Have with Kids: A guide to raising sexually healthy, informed and empowered young people by Melissa Pinto Carnegey, LBSW is such a great book to have available to parents. She promotes being a sex positive family that refuses to carry shame regarding sexuality. Melissa talks about age appropriate conversations depending on their age. Consent and safety are a big proponent of this book which is why it is so wonderful to read. She ends with some media literacy and gives additional resources. My favorite part really is there are sections of the book where you can reflect and write about your own journey on how your parenting values connect with how you discuss these issues.
Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawaab is a wonderful introduction to boundaries for parents. Ms. Tawaab is a licensed clinical social worker and I had the pleasure of meeting her at one of her book signing events last year. Her writing really helps anyone who has never been introduced to boundaries and how to begin using them. She even has a workbook to go along with the book. If you find yourself wondering how to begin with appropriately setting boundaries with family members, this book is for you.
In the end, this list of books is a wonderful way to start talking to your kids about body safety, consent, and boundaries. It’s hard to figure it all out as a parent and we as mothers often put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We don’t have to do it alone and you can begin to feel more supported. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation with me here. You can also call me at 803-573-0279 or email me here.
