A Mother’s accent
The American acculturation process for an immigrant mother is a monumental feat. In various ways there have been contributions in the waves of immigrants coming to the United States. However, it is often met with fear, criticism and fraught with misconceptions. The opportunities 40 years ago look very different than today, but some things in the United States stay the same.
First generation children witnessed the migration experience. A child is very perceptive, seeing all their parents' losses, their fears, and what they anticipate for themselves. Parents may try to hide their emotions and their story. Children are very astute, noticing everything parents do and fail to do. Children of immigrant parents have what could be arguably the closest view to their parents' plight in arriving in the United States. We see the past, present and future all colliding together on a daily basis. This blog is about understanding what may be some of the experiences of being the daughter of an immigrant mother. First generation children of immigrants may often learn the many racial issues, the constant sacrifice, and the carving of motherhood identity. This is also about the perspective of how likely many children that are raised by immigrant parents want a better life and what it means to live in a bicultural experience.
The shame of being different
First generation kids learn that their parents’ accent is different from the parents of their more established American peers. English is their parents’ second language. Some parents hide their accent or have learned the English language so that their accent is barely noticeable. There may be shame or embarrassment about an accent. As if learning a language was easy or that an accent showed some sort of weakness. As adults, we are impressed when children learn two or even three languages. However, somehow an accent is seen as unacceptable.
As a young child, you were so inquisitive and wanted to know everything that your mother did. You may have marveled at your mother’s accent. It was charming and unique. Your mother may have vacillated between giggling at herself with compassion and then becoming serious about her need to succeed here in the land of opportunity. However, you learned quickly that the opportunities were difficult and her accent was the one thing that never would be embraced by society. You often heard short stories of her struggles to get her words out and express herself. You may have found out your mom came here as an adolescent and as a child you saw her anxiety on display for you to quickly absorb. You day dreamed about your mother’s journey when she immigrated to America. You want to know more details of her story but many times you get only snippets of her past. Perhaps it was too painful to talk about and your mom was too busy making plans for your opportunities in America. As a child, you were perceptive enough to know there were money concerns for your own grandparents living back in her native country. You surmised that money was strained and that was the driving force of why she came to live here in the United States. To make a better life for her and her family. You saw your mom writing letters to her parents with the red and blue striped durable envelopes labeled “airmail.”
Some of the struggles you learned was that being “successful” was dependent upon many factors that weren’t always in your mother’s favor. You learned that education was part of the plan but you worried about your own mother. You saw how your own mother likely sacrificed so much of herself and her time for the well being of her family here in the United States. You often wondered about your own mother and wanted to know if she had any goals for herself and if she ever daydreamed about them. You knew the aspirations for your mother were there but your mother likely had no time to think or put herself first. Your mother leaned into giving you the best opportunity but you often wondered the impact of what she was sacrificing.
First generation goals often become blurred and confusing. Education is a priority but the emphasis was on finding a career that gave you money and stability. There was so much worry that finding a profession you loved wasn’t going to going to get disapproved. You may have found a profession that you loved but they didn’t. You may have found becoming a civil enginneer or being a lawyer the way to get your parents’ approval. There is a certain level of wounding I can see now that was being passed down from one generation to the next. Sacrificing your own interests and needs were something so common and normalized.
Embracing who you are:
There was no time for anything else and it was undeniable. As an immigrant mother with children and a high school education, she knew to take the opportunity for a better life in America. The immigrant mother often is likely working hard every day in the home and out of the home in what would guarantee her sliver of hope. Hope for a better life for her and for her family. She knew it was less likely to go back to her own mother. Those back home in another country were counting on her to send money back to them. They had little money and were poor. She often felt like she was spinning her wheels, knowing that she had to make the best of her resources and the opporuntiies she was being given.
She couldn’t embrace who she was because she was too busy becoming what America wanted her to become. Mothers are often given the script of “the American mother.” She was given the script to make it work in the United States and to raise children that were going to contribute to society in better ways. Motherhood had no time to learn and put her own goals first. Your mother was beyond persistent and continued to support you even though she rarely had support for herself. Her accent was the least of her problems and she knew it had cognitive biases.
However, her accent was problematic and never taken seriously. It was seen as some sort of weakness or lack of trying. The way I saw her accent, it was sheer strength in trying every day in a society that mocked her ability to keep working hard on herself. As far as children are concerned, they are more likely to see the beauty of an accent. Unless children are taught to snub their noses at an accent or laugh at someone being different, many children embrace diversity. The same can be boring for them. Yes, children love routine but they crave to learn about new people and the immigrant accent is one of the ways to recognize other cultures. Many immigrant mothers with accents may bear a lot of shame about their inability to get rid of their accents.
However, many mothers persevere and can see through the bias that is often stoked by people that simply do not know better. Being different can often be a way an individual can make the most of opportunity in America. A mother’s unfailing and persistent way to teach her children a second language is a gift that lasts beyond generations. Learning a new language allows children to be gifted in being bilingual and bicultural. This allows children to grow up and communicate with more people and diversifies communities.
There was no time to think about past trauma or about going back to school. Something drastic needed to happen for an opportunity like that. Often a mother’s narrative gets erased because in America we sacrifice so much for ourselves in order to help our children thrive and grow. First generation children witness this sacrifice even more and see what their immigrant mother gave up for them. They fully realize that it was difficult for their mother and these children grow up to be first generation adults prepared to make decisions forever impacted by what their mother did for them.
The archaic stereotypical views of seeing mothers with accents as something less than or negative is damaging for everyone. It may often lead immigrant mothers to never share their cultures or sever the language so that first or second generations never learn their native language. The shame mothers may carry is too great that it often leads them to having low self esteem. Perpetrators may even see these mothers as a target of workplace harrassment when they struggle with the English lanaguage. Mothers carrying this vulnerability can be seen as someone that can’t say anything or doesn’t know how to advocate for themselves.
Mothers can be aware and uncomfortable around perpetrators that try to prey upon women that don’t have a complete handle on the English language. These mothers may face more vulnerability if they selected an abusive partner that abuses their children. This mother’s greatest asset may be in advocating for her children but with her high school education. She may fear her inability to be a single mother. Mothers may be aware of their vulnerabilities that shaped their identities around being dependent upon their spouse’s income. Their low self esteem holds their fear of losing housing and food security. They may know what it’s like to come from poverty.
Yet some mothers know their agency and keep their head held high. They persevere beyond what is recognized to the ordinary person observing her. A neighbor may see her as stoic and has “her hands full.” Yet the neighbors never offer to help and this mother may even be very weary in trusting just anyone with her children. This mother has a sense of protecting her children even though she may have selected an abusive partner that abuses her and her children. She continues in her quest to still provide to the best of her abilities for her children.
Our America has yet to fully embrace those that have come here seeking a better life. We have much work to do in getting to the root of what it means to help others that are vulnerable and understand the issue of accepting someone for who looks or sounds different than them.
I am a mother and a bilingual (English/Spanish) therapist who was raised to be proud of my ancestry by my mother. She taught me how to speak another language and to perservere. You don’t have to be a software CEO engineer to contribute greatly to society the way mothers do. Mothers may often teach the soft skills that is what we need so much today. As a therapist, I see mother clients with multicultural backgrounds and that have a history of childhood sexual abuse. I am currently accepting mothers in North Carolina, South Carolina and in Illinois. As a bicultural first generation mother, I have the perspective of what it means to grow up in two cultures. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation here, book a telehealth appointment here, or you may call me at 803-573-0279.
