Talking to Your Preschooler about Body Safety
The preschool time is the beginning of a child’s first experience of school. It’s a chance for young children to interact with peers and other teachers to guide their most critical learning phase of preschool. Parents may feel excited for their child to have an outlet where they can socialize with new friends, have a routine of a saying “hello” as well as “goodbye.” This can enable a bit of a break for the parent even though it’s only part of the day for most typical preschool programs. At the same time, many parents feel a range of anxiety and may feel scared at dropping their child off at a place even if it’s only for a few hours, 4-5 days per week. At this point, parents hope that you have taught your child about boundaries, body autonomy, and consent. I wrote about this 3 part blog series which outlines it a bit more. As a mother, you probably have done some research and done your due diligence on the reputation of the preschool, hoping you made the best decision. Maybe you haven’t done any research and are in panic mode. Your mind may start racing about placing your child in potential harms way of complete strangers.
Parents likely start receiving a plethora of emails on how the preschool works and even advanced emails on what to expect in the upcoming weeks. Parents may feel overwhelmed at the amount of information that is being given to them. Parents may need to tag team with theri spouse and get organzied on the same page. This is often a testament in how parents work together or perhaps more independently. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you may fear that your child may not know what to do if a tricky situation arises. This blog is about helping to explore how to talk to your preschooler about body safety education and how to continue educating yourself as a parent.
Continue the Conversation
Preschool presents a variety of tantrums and objections that were started in the toddler years. The declarations get louder and you realize a few new things like you’ve started reading books like Jayneen Sander’s Secrets and Surprises. Sanders helps explain how children do not have to keep any secrets with anyone. While a parent reads he book and it can help you ask questions to your child if they ever kept a secret with someone. Maybe your child told you that a cousin wanted to keep a secret with you about a piece of candy they gave them.
Once your child understands why kids do not keep a secret and and your family rule that surprises are kept, they will turn to you when things come up about either of those. Your child may tell you spontaneously when revisiting this same book and say, “daddy wants to keep sister’s birthday party a surprise!” If a parent allows a child to image a “what if scenario” then this enables open conversation and open feelings about a benign issue. Maybe some child got the last of the ice cream after school but then they didn’t want their sibling to be sad about it. A parent can help the child simply explain “it’s kind of you to think of your sibling but we have other cookies in the pantry.” Parents can begin to praise a child for being sensitive and thoughtful because it is hard to see a sibling sad.
The opposite can happen too, like when one child goes out for ice cream with one parent. The child may say, “do we tell everyone else that we went out for ice cream?” At first the parent can say in a benign way, “we don’t have to tell.” The child may say, “but mommy says we don’t keep secrets.” Then the other parental figure is reminded and then agrees with the child as the ice cream may present a tantrum in another sibling but there are other ways to resolve the issue like offering the child another sweet treat at home. This reinforces the idea that open expression of feelings may happen and that parents can handle them even though they may feel too big.
Comforting words and actions
Many parents get overwhelmed and lose their patience with tantrums during the preschool years. As a parent it’s hard to feel your own feelings and stay grounded in the storm of a tantrum. Many parents often start talking and saying, “you’re fine and you don’t have to be this way.” Talking too much as a parent can exacerbate the tantrum and children often times get louder. If parents want to figure out ways to comfort your child you can skip so many sentences and just hand your child a kleenex as you sit down next to them. A nice cup of cold water also a is comforting way to help your child regulate. As we teach children about body safety we start helping them learn how to listen to their body cues. We help children know that we will be there for them with empathy and our presence. For a two year old it typically takes 2 minutes for them to calm down. Preschoolers take up to five to seven minutes to calm down with a caregiver’s help. We must model that calm which isn’t always the easiest. Children want to know safe people will help them and if a caregiver does lose their patience they will say, “I am sorry.”
Comforting words can be “uh-hu” or “I know it.” All the while you are handling yet another tissue and after they have calmed down, if they need a hug. They may say no, and parents can respect that boundary for a child. That will help them practice to say no to an adult. A parent can also express a boundary like “it’s time for bed” and comfort a sad child at the same time. This models respect for boundaries, body autonomy and consent. We keep allowing the child to feel the intense feelings until it has all been let out of their system. This is hard work as parents, since all we want to just move along and cooperation can be slow. Over time, it will get easier because as a parent you are setting the foundation of how an adult is suppose to treat a child. In turn, when the child goes to school they will understand boundaries better with others like with their teachers or peers.
Meet the Teacher
Parents are often invited prior to the school starting to meet your child’s preschool teacher. Depending upon the preschool, there can be one or several teachers your child may see. There may be a main lead teacher who has more of a lead role in providing the curriculum and then other teachers that do more of the assisting yet an mportant role. The point is that you meet your child’s teacher and parents can get a sense of who they are upon meeting them. This may seem like a basic thing that teacher and parent meet. I think another piece is to read the Parent Handbook before arriving to the meet the teacher event. This handbook will help a parent understand the expectations of your child like making sure the child is potty trained, any code of conduct rules and quite possibly their prevention of child abuse policy. This policy will hopefully put you at ease as it may answer questions about how serious the entity takes in understanding child abuse and how to best handle a very sensitive issue.
As parents you may get a sense of who the teachers are and parents can ask questions on how they can best prepare the child as the new school starts. You may ask questions about drop off and ask about policies for pick up. Parents need to know that they can stop by and pick up their child at any time for any reason.
Preschoolers may be shy and the way a teacher approaches a child says so much about their own boundaries. The teacher may be also excited about meeting your child but can introduce themselves with the care that is needed for your child. Your child might be in a small classroom or cohort of preschoolers. Sometimes with outdoor preschoolers there are cohorts of children with two teachers. Here you learn the student to teacher ratio and how often they have students in their line of vision.
Overall, you want to continue getting to know the teacher over the year. If you are a survivor and want to volunteer you can ask about that route. Parents may feel intimidated by big youth serving organizations. You may also get a sense that the leadership of the preschool program gives you a warm and positive impression with their boundaries being very clearly stated.
More often than no survivors of childhood sexual abuse worry a lot that their own child may be abused when they send them off to preschool. Even in the best of circumstances they are left with worry and suffer in silence. Your spouse may think you are overreacting but your motherly intuition knows it wants to do more. You can do more by starting to look at the Parent Handbook of the preschool program and really try to ask questions on the background checks that they conduct. This is just the beginning of your journey in feeling more safe in your community and this may feel insurmountable at first. I can help you as you embark on this chapter of helping you and your child feel safe in preschool. I work with mothers that have survived childhood sexual abuse. You are now a mother and it’s hard to think about just dropping off your own children within a preschool program. As a bilingual (English/Spanish) therapist I support parents in navigating these big emotions when it comes to preschool and teaching body safety. I provide EMDR therapy for mothers that have experienced chidhood sexual abuse. Parents often come to me in need of a therapist that understands the various aspects of motherhood. Schedule a free 15 min consultation here, email me here, or call 803-573-0279.
References
Consent Parenting
Conscious Discipline by Becky A. Bailey
