Talking to Your Elementary Aged Child About Body Safety
“More than 70% of children who are sexually abused are abused by a peer” (Gerwitz-Meydan & Finklehor, 2020). Body safety education is about understanding how a child’s body is their own and when to tell if anyone violates their boundaries. One example of a boundary is when a child starts asking if they could have a smartphone and you may respond, “no.” As a parent you are likely trying to decide whether to give your child a phone which is well intentioned but there is much more a parent must consider before allowing a child to have unfettered access to the internet. A child’s brain is still under construction and the full development doesn’t happen until 25 years old. Parents are themselves trying to manage their own boundaries on phones and we struggle. We use apps to keep us from over using the phone and yet we expect children to easily get off their screens when we tell them. As parents we continue to be very too busy, distracted, and playing catch up on what is happening with our children. This blog is about talking to your elementary aged child about body safety.
Parental Stress
Parents have so many responsibilities today and the current Surgeon General Vivek Murthy made an advisory statement that parental stress is so high it’s now a public health issue. Parents are busier than ever working in the home and outside of it, trying to afford childcare. Parents are often doing their best to understand their child’s needs while doing so many things like helping them with homework, taking them to enrichment classes, getting your child’s essentials, and feeling like “a good enough parent.” I understand how technology is such a big part of a child’s every day. Long gone are the days of having a landline and what it means to call from a pay phone.
Parents can consider the importance of understanding boundaries within ourselves and how we have boundaries with our children. There are challenges in child rearing like getting your child to listen to you and demonstrating the soft skills like empathy, respect, listening to their needs, and effective communications skills. We want our children to listen to us but modeling these skills are powerful. Not interrupting when listening even though a child is learning to stop interrupting you. You can slowly model how they are interrupting but this takes time and is a lengthy childhood process. This interaction is often complicated by the way both parents interact with each other. Acknowledging the struggle of our own relationships with our family along with navigating technology is part of the process of problem solving.
It’s important to set boundaries around our own screen time, which is crucial as children will challenge us in these areas. One child may say, “Mom, are you looking at your phone again?!” They may even skip that observation and say, “mom, can I have some screen time?” They may want to simply imitate a parent. A parent can reply with, “yup, I am coordinating playdates for your and your sister.” Or simply, taking a deep breath as your child may see you overusing your time on social media. Parenting can be very isolating for many survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Some survivors have histories of estrangement and cut offs that leave mothers isolated for decades.
Parents may also be at the beginning of their individual understanding of boundaries, body autonomy, and consent. I did a three part blog series about it and how it relates to body safety. Some parents were never introduced to the word “boundaries” and grow up being confused about what exactly is a boundary. Maybe you were taught about having boundaries like “go to your room!” You may have been placed in front of the TV but not on a smart screen. Even the video games of yesterday are vastly different compared to the HD screens children see at restaurants, school devices, and screens easily given as a way to regulate kids’ emotion. Parents need to help children navigate their feelings. They simply don’t go away with a video game.
Parents may often feel overwhelmed by all the needs children have because it is a lot. The due diligence of making sure your child is educated about technology may seem daunting. It can simply start with one book that your child can open like On the Internet: Our First Talk About Internet Safety by Dr. Jillian Roberts. The child can flip through the pages alone or with you.
Children will start to register in their minds that their parents are starting to set boundaries around the internet and that is when the process begins. You can begin to explain the importance of being educated as a parent about smartphones as a child and parent. You can continue talking to your kids about how some parents may not be educated about technology and have yet to understand how technology impacts child development. Kimberly King has an amazing parenting book called Body Safety For Young Children. This parenting book helps parents navigate all the various parts of body safety in a simple and practical way.
Parents are getting schooled by their child’s classroom experience and that can be a humbling place. Kids come home with words heard by other kids that were exposed to social media apps that confuse what exactly children are trying to say. Children are concrete learners and abstract thinking comes in stages according to their developmental stages. They hear all sorts of comments when their child gets home saying things like “skippy du da toilet.” Parents may be utterly confused. Maybe a peer down the street has a smart phone and they want one. The pressure to have objects like a smartphone may seem even logical. A parent may think, “I need to know if my child needs me, especially at school.” I can understand that issue as parents sending their young kids on buses can be daunting.
It is hard work to help your child know they are safe at school, in the neighborhood, and even in other people’s homes. Parents can start talking to other parents about how things are conducted in their own home. For example, when other kids come over to their home, you may text a parent about how children remain at the dining room table or in the living room downstairs where there is a direct line of vision and within earshot of a parent. That way, if a conflict arises a parent is able to help if needed. Remember, children are still learning boundaries and the rise of peer to peer sexual abuse is one the rise. Parents must remain vigilant to the data that 70% of cases entering the system are now peer to peer sexual abuse. One cannot deny that data and the need to respond appropriately to keep your child safe.
Taking off
Children need to be guided by parents that have a strong understanding of their own emotions even if parents make mistakes. One example is when parents are running on empty and feel triggered by a 7 year old’s child’s wish to go on a bike ride by themselves in the neighborhood. You can give them simple boundaries like, “yes you may go down the street all the way up to Rebecca and Jessica’s house, and then back again.” Each child is different depending on temperament and various factors. You can assess your own child’s readiness. Some of the things that are important are their skills of “situational awareness.” Does your child notice a parked vehicle backing out of a driveway? How do they notice? Do they see it first or hear it? This allows a child to make observations initially when you are with them on bike rides. This helps them and yourself understand how ready they are in doing this independently. You may see your child initially never notices the car backing out of the driveway and so at that time you can say, “did you see the red lights on the car backing out of that driveway? This allows the child to be more observant. This might be on their radar but due to their impulse control, they may just keep riding a bike and be busy being a kid.
Your child may further want to play with other older children in another cul de sac down the street. You can place a boundary and say, “no that’s too far and those kids are older than you.” There may be another opportunity with children around this child’s age and a parent can give this 7 year old options to go ride her bike in a closer cul de sac with the parent’s supervision. A parent may feel overwhelmed by this but you can find out a lot about your child’s issues with boundaries when he just marches into other people’s homes. Some neighbors may place verbal boundaries, “we are all going outside for now.” You will further get a sense of who else lives in a neighbor’s home when you are with your child. This will enable you as a parent to be informed as to who is living in your neighborhood and who is potentially influencing the children that attend school with your child.
Another child may be more introverted and like to draw or be on the internet looking up how to draw tutorials. As a parent today, you want to teach your child about boundaries on the internet. Jayneen Sanders has a new book called Body Safety Red Flags along with free posters you can download on internet safety checklist. Leaving a child alone on the internet is something we as parents need to pause on because if a parent isn’t aware, there could be potential people trying to groom your child. It is also very easy for a child to stumble upon inappropriate content that is explicitly for adults. Placing timers, filters, or having children in common areas of the house where a parent is aware of what they are doing is important.
Boundaries help create safe spaces
Children crave boundaries from a parent that knows how to establish them, communicate them, and implement them according to the child’s developmental needs. For a parent to do that one to know your own core values and communicate them. Giving your child unfettered access to the internet while you do a few things around the house seems benign. It can be very easy to just let them be busy with a video game they like. However, we can let children have fun with video games and vet them and make sure you can set timers on the game. So you are using technology tools to your advantage as a parent and explaining to your child that once the timer is done, it will prevent a user from continuing to use it. This allows parents to guide the child on limits and why boundaries are needed. It’s hard to get off the fun video game but a parent can better prepare a child for a soccer game.
Doing the inner work takes time, work and a lot of compassion for oneself. Many parents find support in attending weekly therapy sessions. Therapy is only a piece of the puzzle in trying to problem solve the issues currently happening for parents. I encourage many parents to become involved in their community and to get to know their neighbors. It is very complicated when both parents work full time jobs and just making it to dinner is often hard. One of the most important aspects of connection with our children is in teaching them the difference of what happens in and outside the home. We as parents can respect other people’s differences while also creating safety in the home.
I am a bilingual (English/Spanish) therapist in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Illinois. I am currently accepting clients for individual therapy. I see clients that are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I provide EMDR therapy, narrative therapy, and parent support to help prevent their child from becoming another statistic. You may email me here, schedule a free 15 minute consultation here or call me 803-573-0279.
References
Consent Parenting
Body Safety For Young Children by Kimberly King
Conscious Discipline by Dr. Becky A.Bailey
