Talking to Your Toddler About Body Safety
One of the biggest things I help parents understand is how to start talking about body safety with their toddlers. It is a complete myth that if a parent starts talking to their toddler, ages 1-3 about body safety, that it will increase a child’s sexual behavior. It is quite the opposite. Children need guidance on their body and who will keep them safe. Having a parent that is well educated on who is safe or unsafe for their child to be around, will considerably decrease the risk this child will become another statistic This blog is about helping parents talk to their toddler about boundaries, body safety, and consent.
Toddlers will imitate you
Many parents simply feel lost, embarrassed and fearful that they will say something wrong to their child about body safety. If you are a parent that had never been taught about body safety as a young child, you may feel this way. In my 3 part blog series, I write about boundaries, body autonomy, and consent to really understand the basics. In toddlerhood there are so many ways our toddlers will tell us about boundaries because they simply imitate it. Depending on the toddler, they may imitate their parents' words, gestures, and even pick up on their feelings. It happens to the best of us but a toddler imitates expletives that a parent said when perhaps a parent is trying to use a drill or fix something around the house. Toddlers have no idea of what this expletive means but at the tender age will imitate it because of the powerful emotion placed upon it by his parents. They may also try to engage with language when struggling with it and say the expletive without realizing they said something very inappropriate. For example a child may struggle with the word “dump truck” and say “dumb fuck.” Do I condone parents using expletives at home? No, absolutely try to do your best as a parent to use age appropriate language as kids will imitate everything you say or don’t say. They will do what you do or don’t do for that matter too. I also know we are humans and we make mistakes. It’s how we repair the mistake and take responsibility that matters.
Now, parents may laugh at some of the innocent mistakes children make based on our own mistakes. Parents may feel more comfortable when these words get mixed up and we correct them so hopefully when they go to school they learn and never say these expletives again. Parents can begin to teach their child about things like this slowly by going to the library. I was glad to be introduced to this candid book called That Very Inappropriate Word by Tim Tobin to help my child understand things like this. This book is more for elementary aged kids, however it’s a great way to start helping your elementary aged siblings.
Additionally, check out books for toddlers that explain things like body safety. You want your child to be able to say “no, stop it” to people that are violating their body boundaries. Toddlers are typically able to say 2-4 sentences and they are in their prime of saying these simple sentences albeit with much more heightened feelings. A tantrum is a way a child communicates their feelings and we as adults have to decipher the tantrum to find a solution in a calm manner.
The best way to prepare your toddler for body safety is to begin with simple age appropriate books. One book I recommend is called Amazing You by Dr. Gail Saltz. It will explain how each child is amazing just as they are while also informing them of their body literacy and how to keep their private parts healthy with proper hygiene and keep our bodies safe with boundaries like when getting dressed. This book explains the anatomically correct terms for boys and girls. The book continues to educate toddlers in age appropriate terms and drawings about the questions of “how is a baby born?” Many parents fear hearing that question because they are unsure how to explain this. This book will help parents get over that fear and normalize that they can talk about it.
However, when parents shy away from explaining very simply with age appropriate books, they unknowingly place their child at risk from becoming a statistic. For example, if you begin to teach your toddler early on how to say “I am the boss of my body and no one can touch my private parts,” they will be empowered to know the different ways other kids behave at school. It takes time for toddlers to learn concepts like body safety and so you have to begin early. Parents must also be comfortable repeating this conversation with other books, get posters that Jayneen Sanders has available.
For example, once your toddler is ready to attend pre school, they may see kids horsing around at camp or on the bus punching each other in the private parts. Your child may tell you about this instead of being confused. The difference is vast from a child witnessing this and saying nothing to a parent. An empowered child witnessing this may feel more comfortable in being able to confide in a parent.
Parents that are too embarrassed may use other words for a child’s private parts. Your child may come home and start testing ways they heard other children at school talk about their own private parts. They may say, “that’s my no-no square.” You may have already introduced this book to your child which introduces the anatomically correct terms and as a parent you may feel frustrated that all your hard work is in vain. However, this is a wonderful opportunity to facilitate another continued conversation and solidify what you taught them in toddlerhood. You may say in an animated voice, “a no-no square? What in the world?” You and your child may giggle at the “no-no square” term because anatomically our private areas are not shaped like a square. As a parent you may wonder what your child is thinking. However, rest assured you are giving your child permission to talk about it openly with you now that they are school aged. Trust your parenting skills that you are teaching your toddler the boundary of how your child is the boss of his body and to reinforce that in your family “we use the anatomically correct terms like penis and vagina” to identify private parts.
Anatomically correct names
Another book I encourage parents to start getting at a local library is called Private Parts are Private by Jayneen Sanders. You can read it to your toddler while they eat a snack on the couch. It explains what private parts are to a toddler with animated drawings of toddlers at the beach, teaching kids that they are located in the bathing suit areas. Parents can take mental notes on how to explain this to their child when they are learning to use the bathroom. Toddlers can begin to understand that using the bathroom is a private area. This will take time to explain as the parent assists in helping the child with toilet training and the bathroom door is left open for assistance. Many times the potty basin is left outside the door of the bathroom or close by the child’s area as they learn how to make it on time without an accident.
Many toddlers attend daycare or have another caregiver like a grandparent take care of them. It’s important to start early in explaining to your toddler about who changes your diaper, how and why it’s important that they know they are the boss of their bodies. For example, as you change your toddler’s diaper you can explain why you are doing this in basic ways like for hygiene and to keep them healthy. You can further explain to your child that they have a right to say “stop, no!” Many times, your toddler will challenge parents and fight being changed into a clean diaper. This gives you as the parent to solidify the reason on how to help them change their diaper and explain why. Parents can simply acknowledge why their toddler doesn’t want to stop playing to get their diaper changed or that they have a diaper rash and it hurts. Simple two to four word sentences will help them.
This also enables parents to start talking to daycare providers and other family members about how you teach your child body safety rules. Children need the vocabulary but they also need the understanding that comes with parents that explain why or how this is important. This also alerts any potential perpetrators at your daycare or in your family that these children will never keep a secret and are difficult to target. Toddlers need a lot of repetition and redirection. That is why books are so wonderful because it reinforces the idea and parents can do this as a bonding activity. When children are calm and feel safe, they can learn new things.
Bath time
If your toddler is taking a bath with a sibling that is younger or similar age, you may see them reach out to touch their siblings private parts. You may be startled at first but you want to approach this with curiosity and calmness. First of all, many toddlers are curious about their bodies and ask many questions about it. They want to learn about their own bodies and witness how their family talks about their bodies. If your toddler is touching another child very innocently in front of you at bath time, it can very well be benign. You want to take a breath and simply ask in a very neutral tone, “Oh, I see you both are in the bathtub noticing your private parts.” You then want to ask questions like, “what are you doing?” The toddler may respond by pointing to the private areas. If you have already started teaching your child the anatomically correct terms, they will point and tell you the anatomically correct term. It might go like this: “She has a vulva and I have a penis.” However, if you haven’t taught your toddler anything, you may be feeling shock, fear, and confusion. This likely is a trigger and anxiety is amplified ten fold if you are a survivor.
Being a survivor and finding your children touching each other innocently can be highly triggering. I help survivors move from merely surviving to thriving with EMDR therapy. You don’t have to talk about the details of your trauma. Many times, mom survivors come to see me because they are being triggered with some things their children do that are healthy and normal. Schedule a free 15 min consultation with the link here, email me here or call me at 803-576-0279.
