Listening to A Mother’s Intuition
“Victims of childhood sexual abuse were unsupervised in more than 70% of cases.” (Ginige et al., 2018) It is common that abusers will first groom families to get to their child. However, it’s important to note a mother’s intuition can play an important factor in the prevention of child abuse. Mothers that have been sexually abused know the profile of an abuser because trauma is stored in the body. This inner knowing and feeling develops way before a perpetrator comes into a victim's life. Childhood is when parents have that short window to introduce and help develop their child’s ability to listen to their own intuition. A mother often is preoccupied with many other things however, a mother’s intuition is there to protect their child. In this blog, I will define mother’s intuition, how to listen to it, and how this ties into helping prevent childhood sexual abuse.
A Mother’s Intuition
A mother’s intuition is often questioned, misunderstood, and confused with it being paranoid. A mother’s intuition can be defined as a mother that can make decisions based on a “gut feeling” and a lot of it has to do with a child's safety and wellness. Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio relates that the gut sends signals to the brain and vice versa. Becoming a mother may start being sensitive to a child’s needs, issues, or many times nonverbal cues happening in the moment. This begins many times for mothers when they are pregnant and during the perinatal time and even after they give birth. First-time mothers are acutely aware of their child’s needs and may be clouded because having a newborn is overwhelming. A mother typically may think about her baby while she is at work and wonder how her baby is doing without her. Mothers have a chance every day to form a bond of listening, responding, and creating safety for their child.
However, many children have grown up with emotionally immature parents that do not respond appropriately to a child’s inner emotional world. They may have grown up with a parent that has an undiagnosed mental illness. A child’s inner voice is at risk for not being heard even in the most basic way. Over time when a child is unheard, this places them inadvertently at risk.
There are nuances to understanding a child’s preferences like how they feel when they smell yogurt or what type of treats they prefer. Your child may have a physical response when eating a particular food. However, some parents may not pay attention unless it’s more drastic, like a child screaming in pain due to an allergic reaction. A child does not need to have an allergic reaction for a parent to understand their child doesn’t like something and should not have to eat it. It may just be a smell they don’t like or a texture they prefer with foods. We as parents need to listen to their needs as it allows the child’s voice to be heard. It’s a simple accommodation like, “oh you don’t have to eat yogurt,” or “I remember that cake with frosting makes your throat itchy.” This even helps them to listen to their body as they go through various situations and gives them permission to say “no, thank you.” It may take the child several attempts when they finally learn that frosting is a definite no for them. A parent can plan and make simple accommodations. For example, “there is a birthday party coming up, let’s make sure you have a cupcake without the frosting so you get to celebrate together with your friends when they are cutting the cake.” Or bringing a small cupcake for your child. This helps the child feel seen and heard.
Likewise, as a parent it is very hard to cater to each child’s needs and, depending on the number of kids a parent has, it can get chaotic. We as mothers need to be able to respond to our child’s needs and wants even though it can be confusing to understand. Listening to a child’s needs helps them be heard. Motherly intuition may be stifled if we are distracted with the issues that come up but it’s important to come back to the practice of listening to the inner voice. However, in small ways children may begin to harness their own voice to tell you various tiny details so that when big events happen they are accustomed to easily turn to you.
Your child’s school bus
For example, if the school bus driver says “your child said some obscenity today” and in response your child says that he overheard other children on the bus said it. He names the children and it may get confusing when children are learning to tell the truth. This is where mother intuition comes into play. Maybe the obscenity was in response to someone saying something mean to your child. You find out what it is and say for example, luckily you are friends with the parent of the other child. You and this parent have been very good at communicating with each other about your own parenting styles and each child’s minor issues that come up. This gets resolved quickly as parents understand that children make mistakes and both parents know that words aren’t exchanged like that at home.
Parents talking to each other helps to get to know each other and communication provides clarity about what is going on with children on the bus. Assumptions about others can be suspended because it’s hard to understand where exactly the word is coming from at the moment. One parent can easily say, “it’s okay to make mistakes but let's solve this problem by learning from our mistakes.” A simple “I’m sorry” note can be written to the other child. Especially if one child is afraid to apologize. If the other child also responded with a defensive expression, then that can be addressed often with a normalization that it’s okay to make mistakes and telling the truth is more important. Children often are very impressionable and they learn the power of saying an inappropriate expression. They likely do not understand the nature of the expression and a parent can simply explain that this is never used at home or anywhere else.
A parent can start helping a child identify ways to remain calm when someone says something mean to them, like taking a deep breath to slow down their system. This will take numerous times to practice this with your child in role plays. I encourage parents to try mini yoga “meditation” sessions, or as I like to call them “I love you rituals.” It’s a time to sit down, slow down, and focus on the internal state of the child. This is a hard thing for kids to do but it doesn’t have to last long. It can last 5-10 minutes or even just in the moment when they are starting to raise their voice, the parent can model taking a deep breath. It is a slow process for children to learn as their brain is still developing and they have so much energy. Even just reading a book to help them slow down their system can strengthen the parent-child bond. After school, they may want to run free but after 20 minutes of that they come in for snacks. That’s a great time to introduce ways of co-regulating their feelings with them.
There are various factors that enable survivors to thrive beyond their circumstances. A few of them have to do with their socioeconomic status of their families, the mental health resources and their accessibility to it, as well as having at least one person believing in the survivor.
Harnessing your Motherly intuition
Some mothers are very good at responding to certain situations that arise in raising children. I remember when my son was an infant and he was wearing a button down shirt. It was adorable but it looked like it was fitting a bit too snug. My baby was growing so fast and it was likely the last time he would wear it. There are times he would cry a lot and with such intensity. I was rather accustomed to the crying. I would immediately unbutton the shirt with my fast fine motor skills. My husband would fumble with the various small buttons.
My spouse reminded me of another moment that I had totally forgotten about and he said I went into “MacGyver mode” the 80s sitcom where a man saves the day with his unconventional heroic ways. My son had locked himself in our bathroom and he was pleading to get out. My husband was feeling desperate and suggested taking the door hinges off. This was right when we moved in and we were very stressed out. I am not that handy but I somehow knew the exact tool, immediately obtained it, and unlocked the door. I would say my motherly intuition just kicked in, but here’s the part that I think is beautiful about a mother’s intuition: it blends the logical response of solving a problem and physically reacting quickly. Something just clicks and often its quick response is for their child. But I would have to say that I surprised myself because in other circumstances my spouse responds better in certain types of crises.
I think harnessing your mother’s intuition includes a gut reaction but also a lot of knowledge based on your own personal experiences. Mothers that have been abused may not have the chance to access their intuition because many times perpetrators manipulated them to never listen to their inner voice, threatening them to keep it a secret. Survivors have to work extra hard at returning to listening to their instincts, especially if they do not have a lot of family support. Once a survivor knows that part of herself, there is no stopping her ability to defend her child.
Nonetheless, I think it’s important to take the time to understand that motherly intuition is a big strength and something that needs to be worked on because we as women are often second-guessed. We often fear being labeled as “paranoid” or “that parent” willing to listen to their gut intuition about others. This fear often originates with perpetrators silencing victims. The perpetrator’s abuse continues with silence and secrecy.
Peer to peer abuse & Erin’s law
It takes tremendous courage to talk to others about your fears. Even if a mom is sharing with another mom, they fear their child will be harmed. We as a society don’t talk about child abuse enough and this perpetuates the issue. Peer to peer has gone up from 30% to 70% of cases entering the system. Erin’s law is mandated by law in 38 states, that enables public schools grades K-12, to start talking about child abuse prevention. It allows the teachers to understand that they can help protect children. Erin’s law helps children understand that body safety is important if anyone were to violate their body boundaries the school is a safe place to disclose.
However, some parents are still afraid to talk about consent with their children, as it is a sensitive topic. Some parents may be fearful and misinformed that a book like “I Said No by Kimberly King” is an inappropriate book for their child. These parents are unknowingly placing their child at risk by not allowing their child to talk about things openly. It is also important to note that those same children will interact with your children at school, in neighborhoods, and on playdates. We have to create a culture where shame and embarrassment are no longer obstacles to child abuse prevention.
It is important that parents have open communication with their children when they make mistakes and model how to repair it with a friend. In turn, kids will learn they can ask their parents about tricky behavior like when someone says inappropriate words to them, or in more drastic situations when a peer behaves inappropriately at recess or in the bathrooms. The more parents talk with their child, the more prepared the child can be when they encounter a situation.
Therapy for Mothers
I provide therapy for mothers and caregivers that have survived childhood sexual abuse. No one ever asked them about things like “do you ever feel uncomfortable around anyone?” More importantly, many survivors have felt like they don’t have anyone to talk to about this because a parent may not have provided a sense of safety for them. Or a perpetrator has convinced the victim that they will never be believed. A mother’s intuition can be harnessed and they can respond to their child’s suffering even when a child never shows symptoms. It’s important that we keep talking with our children while reading age appropriate books like A Secret Safe To Tell by Naomi Hunter. I am a Latina bilingual (English/Spanish) therapist that provides EMDR therapy for survivors. to make sure their child never becomes another statistic. You may contact me here, schedule a free 15 min consultation here, or call me at 803-573-0279.
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