How Can Mothers Deal with Gun Violence?
Gun violence is the no.1 way children and teens are dying in the United States. In 2021, the NYtimes reported America reached the highest rate of homicides and suicides involving guns in nearly 3 decades. As I write this, yet another mass shooting is traumatizing a community in Allen, Texas. The mental health crisis we are facing with children and especially with adolescents has parents scrambling for answers. The mental health crisis has been a long time coming and it’s been brewing. Mothers are beyond feeling the heat. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In this blog, I will be addressing the unprecedented amount of parental stress mothers are enduring in America and how we can start managing this trauma.
Parental Stress
Motherhood needs more support to address the tragedies we are living through day to day. Every day across America mothers are having to kiss their kids goodbye in the morning and wonder if today will be the day they get shot in school. Many parents lay awake in the middle of the night, thinking about the recent school shooting in Nashville. Yes, that private school had lockdown drills, but despite that effort, it didn’t make a difference. The shooter was able to easily enter a school that prepares for the slaughtering of innocent children and administrators. This community is forever stained and traumatized with the events that unfolded at Covenant School. The witnessing of this trauma as it unfolds on every screen in America is forever impacting us as mothers. The AR-15 is a weapon of war and we are living in a war zone of gun violence greed in the United States.
Mothers are wondering what they can do and if it will even make a difference. Some mothers are actively volunteering with gun violence prevention programs like Moms Demand Action and yet their legislators minimize their concerns. Legislative representatives pivot and deflect, citing data that South Carolina is 65% Red and 35% Blue. They want to praise those that uphold the 2nd Amendment while ignoring children dying every day to gun violence. While South Carolina ignores the problem, it is still trying to pass Permitless Carry bills. These dangerous bills will enable anyone older than 18 to carry a gun without any training or permit to carry. Any individual over 18 years old essentially doesn’t need a permission slip to carry a firearm. Law enforcement has weighed in on this and they are in against the Permitless Carry bill .
The chronic parental stress is pervasive as it’s on a daily basis that mothers are worrying about school safety and all other things that are insidious like bullying. It might not be in the front of mother’s minds but the list of worries are there. Children and adolescents alike are picking up on these worries since they are so incredibly perceptive and mirror their parents' concerns. Parents have to continually assess the safety of their child especially as school is coming to close now.
Last year, on May 24 the Uvalde school shooting happened and parents of those slain are still trying to get gun safety legislation passed. The HB2744 bill in Texas is attempting to raise the legal age to own a gun from 18 to 21 years old. It’s been called “21 for 21” in reference to the 21 Uvalde victims, 19 children and 2 administrators. This bill is still sitting in a committee and it seems legislators are stalling. Texas is a Permitless Carry state and yet the second-deadliest mass shooting of 2023 occurred just this past Saturday at a Allen, Texas mall. The mass shooter had unfettered access to buy an AR-15 to complete this.
Let children play
A child comes home and expresses with excitement about a playdate that’s coming up, “Mommy I can’t wait to go to my friends’ house so I can hide all the candy all over their house!” Mothers are having to worry about sending their child to a playdate, a birthday party and simply allowing our children to just play. Does that family own a gun? Is it secure? Mothers feel compelled to initiate questions about gun ownership with other parents. Questions swirl through their minds like, “does this mother think I am being overprotective? Does this mother feel caught off guard? Is this parent being forthcoming? Doesn’t this mother want to know if I have guns in my household? Why aren’t more parents talking about this? Why am I not being asked this question as much as I am asking it? This is such an uncomfortable and intrusive question, does she think I am paranoid? Is their response just a quaint response to appease me?”
Like anything else, starting this conversation is the hardest part. I am sure many concerned parents are confused yet open to having these uncomfortable conversations. I would even argue that parents want more transparency even though it’s not common for our society to discuss gun safety. At the end of the day, parents want to know their child is safely playing in various contexts of the community.
One way to communicate with parents is to send a text very simply. “Hey, my child is excited to play over there today, and wants to play hide and seek around your house. Do you happen to have guns in your home?” You may be surprised that parents are open to discussing it. They may respond with “that’s a great question!” Or “yes, we do have them but the children are not allowed into mom and dad’s room which is where we store our firearms.” My favorite one is “yes, we have them but they are stored properly.” You may not know all the details of their gun storage but now you have a sense of some boundaries that are established in the home. Parents are thinking about it and the days of children playing with guns is simply not the same as generations ago.
Prepare your child and talk to them
Preparing your child on what to do is important and an ongoing conversation that is done long before the play date occurs. We may not be able to control every action children do but we can help them understand what they can do given the circumstances. We can begin the conversation about guns. It is quite inevitable, after all they do lock down drills at school to prepare for a mass shooter. Children may be confused by what they are doing. Children need guidance and parents need to lead the way in terms of how this dialogue is being started in the home. For example, “children and real guns are NOT to be played with.” Then, you ask, “what do you do if you see a gun on a bus or at a playdate?” You would be surprised when you hear a child’s immediate response possibly be “you get the nearest adult.” Children at school may be hearing this already.
Allow me to distinguish the difference between playing with toy guns and how our gun culture enables our children to have access to real firearms. Children communicate through their play. Adults talk to one another. Children play with one another to communicate. Children play with toy guns or other toy weapons. Sometimes, they even make a toy gun out of legos. A child’s imagination in elementary school is wild and free. They want to discover without limitations. We as parents will only know the true intricate details of our own child’s mind when we play with them.
As mothers, we can be seen metaphorically like the knight trying to save their child from the stark realities of this world. We want them to stay innocent as long as possible but the ticking time is like a beating heart. It takes time to understand that a child doesn’t understand that an AR-15 can obliterate them in seconds even though they are playing with a toy gun. How do we explain this to our child? We must take our time to help them understand in age appropriate terms why they are using these symbols to express themselves. Children talk through play and we are the adults helping them navigate this rough territory. As a parent you might tell them, “no, you can’t talk about having a gun on the bus, because you may send some sort of unnecessary alarm to someone or the bus driver.” We must have an open conversation about gun violence prevention. This recent incident happened on a school bus.
Parents please talk to each other
It is interesting to hear other parents open the conversation on gun access and children. Anyone that is a parent knows how difficult it truly is to have a simple conversation without some type of interruption. However, even small conversations around the current gun problem we are having in this country is better than not having any discussion. The conversations must move it toward the ultimate goal and that is to have our schools safe again without the threat of violence at any given time. The dialogue of guns with children has to evolve. Some parents begin with how they were brought up on a farm and had access to a firearm there.
However, our past childhood stories are not the same for today in this climate of gun violence. The AR-15 has no place in the classroom. Parents want their child to learn at school without the threat of dying because of a mass shooter. Parents are truly not asking for much here. We have to continue having these sometimes awkward conversations to help parents feel supported and united in this very fear driven world of losing our child due to gun violence. We lose connection to other parents in the community if we choose to stay silent. We carry anxiety about gun violence that can lead to avoidance of malls and crowded places. Living like this is not my idea of freedom.
Silence is complicit in the problem
However, some parents aren’t having the conversations for various reasons. They hesitate because “what if the other parent owns a gun and that parent becomes defensive?” They might fear how awkward it might feel for them to ask the question, “does your family own a firearm in your home?” However, we as parents teach our children about asking questions at school. In kindergarten if they don’t know how to tie their shoes, they can ask for help. We need to model assertive ways to interact with other adults. Children may or may not hear the conversations about guns but we have to change the narrative from fear driven to “we can figure this out together.” We have to start living in a culture that encourages gun violence prevention. We live in a reactive culture and in a constant state of possible crises.
Prevention of violence is based on the parents asking the questions on how to best protect their child. Parents must be brave to ask the hard questions at the summer camps about their bullying protocol and procedures. Another important question on violence prevention is how to vet their employees beyond the standard DCFS background check. Many sexual predators get away with abusing children and have a clean DCFS background. Questions like how they train their employees when they witness a kid on kid sexual abuse? Here are 42 questions to ask for parents on sexual abuse. Similarly, parents can ask about the protocol for possible scenarios of gun violence.
Parents and Mental Health
Parents are in a unique position to help their children in these turbulent times. Being passive with their mental health is a risk to their physical health. There is no longer a divide between mental health and physical health. We can no longer ignore how we are all impacted mentally by the stress of gun violence in our society. We must do something now to help turn the narrative around but it will take a tremendous amount of courage from every parent that is motivated to change the narrative.
As kids we were raised in a completely different time. Yes, there were similar problems but nothing like now with gun violence everywhere. Parents may be too timid to talk about guns. However, we can no longer avoid it especially with play dates and other parents. Losing a loved one to gun violence is too painful to endure..
As a mental health professional I help parents navigate these conversations with their children. I use EMDR therapy to help mothers process their own past childhood trauma that might be getting in the way of having a greater connection with their child. Schedule a free 15 minute introductory call here to receive more support in your role as a parent. You may email me at therapy@veronicadelpino.com or call 803-573-0279.
