Choosing Motherhood
Choosing Motherhood
There are many expectations on whether and when one chooses to become a mother. Some of them may originate from religious or cultural norms, societal pressures, and family dynamics. The way a mother talks about deciding on when or whether to have children helps me understand her journey. Even using the active voice of “I chose to have my second child” can raise eyebrows that leave the other parties questioning what that means.
Religion
Religion takes a big role in some cultures and women historically have been pressured to become mothers. The Madonna in the Catholic religion is a long standing feminine historical figure. Various societies have made it almost like there is something wrong with women who never had children. It almost seems like they feel sorry for women that never have kids and might label them as “depressed and confused.” Several major religions have even been notoriously known to reject same sex couples and try to reinforce conversion therapy for young adults questioning their sexuality.
When young adults are repeatedly shamed into being someone that they are not, the results are destructive. These same individuals run into the risk of getting married to someone that they don’t want to be married to and through no fault of their children, they witness this destructive force. Two unhappily married people make it confusing and sad for children to understand why this is happening in their family.
Societal Pressures
There are various contexts like social circles, where women are given the message of how women “should be” acting, or doing things. Some messages women may hear are “you gotta get out there” when you are single. As if somehow there is something wrong with being single. Perhaps she is focusing on her career or furthering her education. Many professional women that finish their education beyond the bachelor’s degree have to continue to maintain their professional development. This takes a great deal of time and focus. Dating can be frustrating especially if a woman has more education than her counterpart. There also may be a need for her to work more than one job if she lives alone and pays student loans. This can be a very time consuming and a lonely place as she may even see herself as undesirable, blaming herself. She may even be grieving the loss of a prior relationship and she needs time to process these emotions. The social pressure of becoming a mother can remain persistent especially if most of her friends are already married. The idea of “settling down” is hailed as the ultimate goal, above career or personal goals.
We grow and heal in romantic relationships and I believe that women are allowed to choose whether this is for them. However, the pressure of simply getting married for the sake of getting married, may rush the delicate process of possibly entering motherhood. For example, a woman may have thought about forgoing children but may still struggle with what this idea exactly means to her identity. She may fear questioning whether to be a mother may push a romantic relationships away. The cliche of a “biological clock “ticking away” as she gets older may even cross her mind, as every year passes in her twenties. This same fear may reinforce that she is once again possibly undesirable based on her choice to not have children.
Family roles
In families, children and young girls are primed the most to “play with dolls” and to “be nurturing.” Boys playing with dolls and dressing up with princess shoes are less acceptable. The more positively viewed labels are “he is all boy” or “she is very girly.” However, boys can be accepted for who they are even if they are more nurturing. This may later mean in adulthood, these boys grow up to be more affectionate with their children. A parent that accepts their boy being nurturing may also translate into having a future partner that shares the household responsibilities like making lunches for their children. Likewise, if someone grows up in a household never feeling accepted or feeling like they are never good enough, this same person may just get married simply for the idea of getting married. This same person may feel ill equipped to manage tantrums or adolescent angst.
The choice to become a mother is filled with more nuanced factors like understanding basic sex education, contraceptives, and health conditions. Even in the best of circumstances, these factors may not be in the forefront of a woman’s mind. Family expectations of having children can strongly influence her narrative. She may or may not question why people refuse to have babies. She may even hesitate and ask herself “how the hell am I going to fig everything in my schedule once I have babies?” The expectation that she becomes a mother is automatic and ingrained. Perhaps the antiquated narrative that has been repeatedly told to her may stir old feelings of rejection from her parents. This type of messaging may have been passed along for generations in her family. Questions like “when are you going to have children” is a constant pressing reminder. Let’s start asking young women about their career goals or her future personal goals. People question forgoing babies with disdain and criticism rather than curiosity as to why they might refuse to have children.
Whether we like it or not, children are keen observers and pick up on very subtle nuances of whether they will become a mother by observing their own mother. The way a child’s mother behaves and attaches toward their own children is likely one of the biggest influences. In ideal circumstances, children are taught at age appropriate developmental stages about their bodies and how to make choices. For example, in the preschool ages, they can learn to have privacy in the bathroom and after using it more independently during elementary age. A child might state, “privacy please!” This means, they want no one in the bathroom except themselves. We may further teach them about safe touch like hugs amongst friends they know well. Even when they are young, they can refuse hugs from distant relatives if they haven’t met them or just simply do not want to hug them. Helping children learn about their anatomy and boundaries on who or what they will permit is all part of their healthy development.
Motherhood and choices
Reproductive Rights in America came to a screeching stop last year in June 2022. Before Roe v. Wade was overturned, women had 50 years of making a choice in their reproductive health and in their future. Women also had the right to privacy in making their decisions with their gynecologist-obstetrician and this had nothing to do with politicians deciding their fate. These decisions are so deeply personal and currently, mothers across the country are having to navigate how to explain this to their daughters. This even has American mothers questioning “what if I need an abortion?”
This reckoning of having inadequate health care has parents questioning whether their daughters will have limited choices for their future reproductive health. Young girls now more than ever need their parents’ support in helping them understand their choice in becoming a mother. Whether we like it or not, access to basic reproductive health care will impact a young woman as soon as she gets her period and especially when she chooses to become sexually active. When ¼ girls get sexually abused or raped by someone they know, this may result in pregnancy. Let’s also remember that ¼ is a gross underestimate as many young girls never report their sexual abuse due to threats made by her perpetrator if she reports it. This has happened for far too long and sadly it will continue to happen. Here is an article of a 10 year old girl in Ohio having to travel to Indiana. Mothers have started to think about what this life altering decision means for their young daughters and for their lives too.
And what makes things more complicated is that parents will not know what to do if abortions are no longer an option for their daughter as abortion bans are quickly being passed across the country. Long gone are the uncomfortable conversations between their parents and children of “what is sex?” Now, mothers are worried about things like “what will my daughter do if she gets pregnant and access to an abortion is banned?”
Revered Motherhood
Many times, motherhood can be idolized like in advertisements of babies on diaper boxes, as perfect celestial beings. In some social media accounts mothers are dressed up photo shoot ready, holding their babies like some sort of accessory. The reality is that we do very little to prepare individuals for motherhood and even less for fatherhood. Motherhood is a big change for anyone and an even more layered experience for survivors of childhood violence. In abusive families, motherhood can be fraught with rigid stereotypical gender roles that young girls watch throughout their years of childhood. Mothers may sometimes behave like martyrs having to give up their time, careers and personal interests all in the name of motherhood. Being selfless is seen as something that women should never complain about, afterall, they chose to be a mother. A woman is very much an individual with hopes, dreams and likely a set of skills, before she becomes a mother.
This reverence of motherhood is like some sort of short-lived experience like on a social media reel. Instead, motherhood needs a sustainable support system like a strong family connection or friends that check-in on them, asking if they need help. Support looks like making a meal and asking to take the younger child out while you rest for a short period. A supportive family member asks how they can help rather than criticize their parenting style.
However, in my journey of motherhood and in my career, I see a fraile family support system. I have seen many mothers isolated, overworked, overwhelmed and with a low family support system. I often kept wondering to myself, “why are mothers revered so much in this world but then once they have a baby they are expected to fulfill multiple roles?” For example, feeding the baby at night, scheduling the child’s appointments, know what’s missing from the grocery list, and the list continues. These unrealistic expectations of women modeling how young girls need to behave are imprinted in childhood & are easily carried into adulthood.
Childless by Choice
Some women have chosen to become childless by choice. There are many reasons for this. It could be that some women have tried to become pregnant and their body places them at risk for becoming pregnant. Other women have chosen to focus on their careers and just have enough insight to understand having children is not part of their future. Oprah is one public figure who has chosen to be childless by choice and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. She became pregnant at 14 years old and had a miscarriage. These experiences leave grief and a childhood with painful memories. Oprah is another example of needing adequate reproductive health care, since miscarriages do need the appropriate care of an obstetrician-gynecologist.
Having a baby is expensive in terms of childcare costs, future college planning and the emotional labor of child rearing. A woman may come to understand that having a baby impacts her career and her partner’s career. A couple may come to an agreement that they want to stabilize their career or they see opportunities like traveling rather than giving it up to possibly stay at home and work more to pay for childcare. In our society, women have little discussion about what it means to have a baby. The narrative is very unidimensional. Women are to have children within a heterosexual relationship. They are simply given the narrative that they should be able to have babies. Now women along with medical doctors are fearing that they will be prosecuted in needing miscarriage care also known as D&C (dilation & curettage). See here for the article.
The commitment of parenting
There are two ways I have heard parenting being described and this is by no means the only two as the human experience is vast. The first way I heard parenting described is, “it's like having a bomb going off in your marriage. You see all the cracks in it later.” She referred to the “cracks” as the deficits in your relationship as well as the partners’ own individual weaknesses. The other meme description was “parenting is like jumping on a trampoline and having all your shit flying everywhere.” There are flaws as well as strengths we all have and they are very apparent while raising children. Our patience may be our strength during infancy but in adolescence one parent may struggle in talking about teenage limits. Parents struggle with their own past childhood rearing and this impacts how they raise their own children. Survivors of violence get activated by the loud noises children make. The way parents respond to their children is a crossroads to whether the same trauma will be passed down to them.
In our society, having children is upheld as if it is the ultimate goal to the world for a woman. However, when politicians refuse to listen to a woman’s right to choose and current legislation is being discussed on prosecuting women who do have an abortion. We are seen as helpless women, needing their assistance in making decisions for our own body, health, and future. I believe American women are seen as a dichotomy like a martyr and if they refuse that role, they are harshly criticized like “whore”, or worse selfish. Being selfless is honored and supposedly rewarded with family.
The female experience in motherhood ranges and varies greatly. The way a woman manages sleep deprivation with a baby in the first year of life is different for so many. The amount of sleep deprivation is so exhausting it can be physically debilitating. When the baby is first born, the 24/7 around the clock feeding of a baby at night and during the day is so real and we aren't even discussing the amount of energy needed to care for the older children in the family. Primary caregivers are supposed to just suck it up, work through the exhaustion. Then, if you possibly want to work after having a baby, you head back to work after 12 weeks with the FMLA (Family Leave Medical Act). Hopefully you have the resources to find adequate childcare and can afford it. You are especially fortunate if your workplace has a designated area to pump milk for your baby.
We relied on mothers heavily so much that when the pandemic hit, they were the ones to give up their jobs and come home to care for their children. It may have meant working from home or working together with their spouse to coordinate schedules. It may have meant getting creative or taking a hiatus of their work. The more marginalized women like single working mothers are more at risk. However, when it comes down to it, despite being the primary breadwinners, women are still doing the majority of household labor, and yet their time is viewed as dispensable.
Shadow Work
Caregivers need support and all of this upheaval during the pandemic has conjured up so much grief and loss. Children are unique to activate our old childhood memories of our past childhood wounds. In parenting we are in the reverse roles of now being the parent and in this role, we remember how we were raised. This can make it hard to stay present with your child and help them work through, for example,a big tantrum. Working through hard moments with our children is what I specialize in and I want to help parents make more resilient harmonious memories. I use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) Therapy, journal writing and trauma sensitive yoga to help caregivers process their own past childhood wounds. Schedule a call at 803- 573-0279, here or email me at therapy@veronicadelpino.com.
