How do I manage my child’s tantrum?
There are a garden variety of tantrums children may have around their parents. Some can be quickly remedied with a snack, a hug, or redirected with jokes. These are major parenting skills that can be learned but unfortunately many of us have never been modeled to behave this way when stress or the avalanche of a tantrum comes crashing down on you. Most of them require us as parents to “remain calm.” A parent might even say to the child, “calm down” but that rarely works. When was the last time you felt sad or angry and someone told you, “just calm down,” and that worked? Never really.
Calming techniques include positive affirmations like, “I am the parent” and taking a deep breath. A tantrum can be intense and it’s a cry for help from a child to the parent to pay attention immediately as the child is overflowing with big feelings that they don’t know how to navigate. A child’s tantrum can be translated to “help me figure out these big emotions!” Yes, a tantrum might be hard to understand, like when they run on empty and are so hungry they become “hangry.” That feeling of anger and hunger can blend. A child hasn’t developed the necessary verbal skills to say “I am hungry please give me something to eat.” Or maybe it’s a toy they want that they can’t have. Kids need help identifying their emotions during a tantrum and helping them get through those feelings. This can be very hard and test even the most experienced caregiver. Children need our empathy and mirroring of their feelings, like a simple, “I know it” will help the child to be possibly heard. This takes practice for a parent to listen for cues that identify the child’s specific need like a snack. A tantrum will invariably happen for young children frequently and it’s important to understand why parents often struggle with this.
The setting of a tantrum presents challenges too. Tantrums happen in grocery stores, while a parent is driving or while making dinner. Parents have to make the call on what to say, when to say and how to say it. Many times, it’s allowing the storm of a tantrum to pass while the parent is sitting there mirroring their response and perhaps saying very little at all. Some parents decide to ignore their child’s tantrums, hoping that the child will forget or it will pass. “You’re okay” responses may work temporarily but what does this all mean if the child keeps getting louder or more ear piercing with their tantrums? The child’s more pronounced tantrums may be an attempt to be heard and seen for their emotions. Children need their parents to be present for this experience.
Try these 5 techniques:
Remain calm and refrain from taking anything personally. Setting an intention in the beginning of a tantrum may help a parent stay positive despite the chaos of a tantrum. Pick a mantra for yourself like “I can handle my child’s tantrums.” Tantrums typically last one minute per year of age.
Model what you want to see in them, and be the parent you wish you had when you were a child. Show with love that you can handle your child’s behavior no matter what even if it’s a struggle. Mirror the emotions and begin to acknowledge things like your own feelings. “I see that you are mad. Mommy gets mad too sometimes.” If the child screams back at you, crying more intensely, try to stay the course in a positive way and cater your next steps according to what they might need. A kleenex goes a long way to show that you care about their tears, feelings and nose. That might be the last wave of an angry tantrum before the child reaches out for a hug from you, and a wave of sadness washes over your child. You can also check in and ask them if they need a hug too. Consent is important here.
Co-regulating with your child may mean coming to their eye level, either by having a seat on the floor, or coming to your knees to show them you are present for them with their big emotions. Maybe offering a hug or words like “It’s okay to be angry sometimes.”
Take a break. Let’s be honest here, managing a tantrum will, at some point, activate a part of parents’ childhood. How a parent was treated as a child can return to the present day when their own child does something similar or inspires a feeling of how a parent felt when they were a child. Know when you are reaching a point of activation. Parents can run on empty. Lack of sleep, a stressful job, or even just families having little to no family support. Know that when the ear piercing tantrums agitates you, you need an action plan. “Mommy will be with you in two minutes after I finish using the bathroom.” Maybe you don’t need to use the bathroom, but that gives you one moment to look at yourself in the mirror and ground yourself. If the child screams or tries to follow you, model, “I was going to take a break to calm down, but I see this makes it hard to be alone with your feelings.” Staying positive in the face of rough parts of parenting is important. Getting a glass of water or taking a deep breath can often ground parents too. As we model taking a deep breath, wait until they decide to take a deep breath with you if it’s possible. Either way, you are modeling how to manage stress. Children are sponges in that when a parent is starting to calm down, they likely calm down too.
Levity. Using comedy can often break the tension of a tantrum. If you know a silly joke that you and your child share, create that space. A quiet sensitive parent can whisper in a funny way that you have a fun surprise. Then, looking out the window, or looking for a lost toy, may bring both of you to the present. You might also want to grab a pen and start drawing to help your child use the creative side of their brain. In the end, you as a parent can learn your child's needs and know what works, asking “how are you feeling now?”
If most of what you have read, you have tried and they just don’t work, you may benefit from more support in therapy. Parents suffer in silence unnecessarily. You may email me at therapy@veronicadelpino.com or call at 803-573-0279. You can also reach me here to schedule an appointment online. Parents deserve to feel supported to have more joyful and meaningful memories in the parenting journey.
