The Highly Sensitive Person in Motherhood
Dr. Elaine Aron coined the term Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) in 1991 and the scientific term is also known as “Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS).” Around 15-20% of the population has SPS so it’s considered very normal and common to have this. This trait emphasizes people that have a heightened sensitivity toward sights, sounds, smells, and emotional cues. The main defining features of a Highly Sensitive Person is having an acute physical, mental, or emotional response to stimuli. This attunement to various stimuli in their environment typically leads to overwhelm. Like many labels, there can be shame and lack of awareness about issues that present for the Highly Sensitive Person. This blog is about how many mothers grapple with being a Highly Sensitive Person while raising young children and how that may activate a mother’s history of childhood sexual abuse.
The Highly Sensitive Mother
Many mothers may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and may find out about this later in life. You may have been given unsolicited feedback on that too. Many people may say “you’re too sensitive” or “you have to get thicker skin.” There are four main traits that define a HSP. Depth of Process, overstimulation, empathy (or emotional reactivity), and sensitivities to subtleties. Many HSP have a tendency to be introverts to get away from the noise and ground themselves. However, there are also mothers that are extroverts and are defined by one trait more than the other. Example, you may meet an extroverted mother that loves concerts but they are symphony concerts and has a specific plan in place afterwards to create downtime. As you can see, mothers would have a hard time with this because caregiving may be a big part of their identity. Mothers are not expected to complain and constantly give of themselves at all costs.
We live in a world where feeling your emotions are considered something negative. Some people just have a zero capacity to try to understand the depth of someone else’s emotional world. Sometimes, a Highly Sensitive Person’s depth of feelings and experiences need to be fully processed with a professional therapist. There is less shame around attending therapy today but there still seems to be various hurdles that one needs to jump over to find a therapist that suits their needs. I am here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with finding out exactly what you need and that you deserve to find a therapist that has the skills to figure out your best traits in the best possible manner.
Highly Sensitive People also have a sensitivity to noise. I once knew a Highly Sensitive Person could hear clearly across the room that other coworkers were talking about him. Now, I don’t know all the details of how many people were there, or the exact dimensions of the room. It was a very candid conversation on how that was handled. Being a HSP can be a curse and it can also have its many varied purposes. You know exactly what people are saying even when standing a few feet away from you.
I once worked at a non for profit and knew who was calling based on the sound of their voice. I thought nothing of it and often the lovely women I worked with would tell me who they were very quickly. These beautiful therapists had no time to lose and I often enjoyed listening so it worked. One time I actually called the main office I worked at because we were located at a satellite office and this woman by the name of Kristin answered the phone, “Children’s Advocacy Center!” I was like “hi Kristin, can I speak to Alicia?” I thought nothing of how I knew her very clear and confident voice. I just knew it was her. But she was like “oh wow, you knew it was me!” Still then, I had no idea, I just thought her voice was easily recognizable and doesn’t everyone become familiar with people’s voices?
Same thing with seeing things. You know the meme’s that often depict “I can’t unsee it.” Once I see someone’s face, it’s really hard to unsee that person. Sure, like anyone else, I get confused and maybe see someone that I thought was familiar but my brain tries to figure it out like a puzzle. I look intently on the facial features and then soon enough, I recognize the person. It bothers me until I can figure it out and until it all settles. I also tread carefully because I don’t want to assume too much. I notice features on people’s faces and it’s fascinating to understand the subtitles.
Smells can also be very overwhelming and subtle. One example is when you want to accept a bouquet of flowers your neighbor gives you only to later get a headache because the intense fragrance overpowers your entire home. Flowers are hard to say no to even if you know that fragrances can be too much. Needless to say, the bouquet of flowers are outside on my patio right now doing just fine in this South Carolina Spring weather. It’s also important to note that Highly Sensitive People notice subtle things such as energy levels, tone of voice, and a tendency to pick up on even more emotional cues. All these stimuli can be overwhelming for mothers as with raising children it’s very chaotic, messy and over the top time consuming.
Motherhood: noises and smells
Mothers have to deal with dirty diapers, the kids that don’t say “excuse me” when they pass gas, when there is vomit or accidents with potty training. The list never stops and we aren’t even covering the smells of a beloved pet. Some mothers have a very faint sense of smell. I have a friend that works at a zoo and I was telling her about how memory is strongly activated with a person’s sense of smell. She told me how she works at the zoo and doesn’t really smell much. This is important to note because it shows that smells can vary from person to person. In a similar way, not all Highly Sensitive People have a heightened sense of smell. They might be more aware of sounds than of smells.
Moreover, in motherhood you have to repeatedly explain over and over again the importance of chewing with your mouth closed as noises can often work in conjunction with sounds that are just over the top. It’s really not the young child’s fault as they are still developing their social skills and even be themselves Highly Sensitive children. The loudly chewing sibling annoys the other and the arguing begins. It’s important to role model how a mother shows empathy for one child that has a cold and struggles to breathe while chewing with their mouth closed. While the other sibling cannot even look at their sibling’s direction due to the chewing noises along with the visual of chewed up food in the mouth.
Highly Sensitive People can be activated by memories that may begin here too. In motherhood, we remember how we were treated as children. We remember that perhaps one of your parents would tell you to stop chewing with your mouth open. It stopped you in your tracks as a child, and you would try your best but children are children. You also remember what kinds of things were said to you like, “you talk too much.” It is well known how often and frequently children are developing their vocabulary and talking nonstop. Children that show an ease of their ability to use their verbal skills is a strength. We as parents need to help hone in on their child’s verbal ability to say “no” when it counts. A child is still learning how to figure out how to wait their turn, impulse control, listen to another child, and still remember what they too are trying to say.
For example, a girls’ confidence peaks at age 9 and when a conflict arises, we need to encourage children to use their verbal skills. There is social pressure for a child to be silenced when a dominant aggressive peer says something scathing to their peer. Freezing is a trauma response and it’s important to help your child practice with a parent on how to respond if that happens again.
Another example is when a person of authority acts inappropriately or crosses a boundary for a child at school. A child needs to practice with their parents on how to respond to tense situations. Parents are constantly placed in stressful or tense situations with their children about boundaries. We as parents must model how to set boundaries when children push our buttons. A parents’ buttons are pushed and the child is screaming or attacking the personal character of the parent. The tendency to yell back at the child is easy and may be a familiar place. Especially if you came from a home where violence was the solution to any and every conflict between parents.
In a similar way, if you came from a home where family secrets were kept, silence can be a child’s ally. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse learn to keep secrets because they were manipulated by their perpetrator. They learned that secrets were weapons to silence the child that was being abused. The child believed the perpetrator’s lies that something horrible would happen if the child made a disclosure to their parents. The perpetrator threatens the safety of the child’s family members and even blames the child for the inappropriate relationship. The perpetrator does this in order to maintain his innocence in a system that enables his behavior. Perpetrators look for vulnerable families that communicate with the silent treatment and for parents that are hesitant to talk to their children about their body safety.
Visual chaos and emotional upheaval
Motherhood demands that we find order in the messiness of child rearing. The endless school projects brought home pile up but yet you have to make sure you praise them when they bring home 100 on math. A Highly Sensitive mother has to prioritize the various tasks that need to be done like homework, help your child develop habits like cleaning up their room, and referee the siblings when conflict arises. The tiny little legos that are everywhere and no one wants to clean up. A mother has to call in her children to collaborate and encourage them to clean up together. You sing the “clean up clean up song” hoping that they recall that they likely did this at school. However, you learn it’s like parting the Red Sea to get them to understand the importance of listening to you.
We as mothers have learned to look past the fury of messiness and the socks left on the floor just calling for you to clean it up. As mothers that are Highly Sensitive People, it’s a fair thing to understand that we are trained to just go ahead and clean up after everyone else. We struggle in teaching how to ask your child for the 1239243th time to pick up their socks every day and place it in the hamper. We as parents that are the default mother struggle with this aspect of repetition because it’s exhausting. We don't want to sound like we are micromanaging our kids but we want to teach them about observation. Children are naturally very observant and we need to help them fine tune their ability to notice their habits which will matter greatly as they continue in their development.
These are just a few of the traits of being a Highly Sensitive Person in motherhood. We as parents must take the time to model so many aspects we want to see in our children. It’s not an easy task if you grew up in an abusive household. You may struggle with noticing your own issues and how they impact your children. You may also be acutely aware of how you want help in changing some of the patterns you learned as a child and how that is impacting your current family relationships. I am currently accepting clients in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Illinois. I help parents that are ready to understand the underpinnings of how their childhood is still seriously undermining their parenting today. I am a Spanish speaking therapist, providing EMDR therapy with over a decade of experience with vulnerable mothers. You can call me here, email me here, or self schedule here.
