More than a Mother
People are very comfortable talking in metaphors. Symbols and images are potent, in that they allow us to express ideas that are often so hard to say in words. Women are often seen in metaphors as flowers, the Madonna, the garden, the prostitute, and the witch.
Women can be more than a mother
Women can be met with strong push back when they express the possibility of not having children to their own mothers. The mother of a young adult daughter might respond, “what is a garden without flowers?” Referring to the garden as a woman and the flowers being the children. I say, “what about a single orchid flower in your own flower pot.”
Many times, in raising children we see how their actions can activate memories of our own childhood. This challenge to hear a different way of living could be a threat to a mother if her daughter expresses that she wishes to live a life without children. So a mother can push away her young adult daughter by saying “what is a garden without flowers?” It can also perpetuate the idea that a woman has no other choice but to continue into motherhood even if she really doesn’t want to do this. And what does that mean for her own children if this awareness is unprocessed? The mother's maim can be subtle yet obviously there. This wound of our past will invariably open up as we have children. Especially when they ask us to connect or we find joy in giving them what we never got in our own childhood. A woman can contribute to this world in large capacities without becoming a mother and yet there is this undeniable pressure for women to absolutely become a mother.
Think about the way people revere a pregnant woman. As a licensed clinical social worker I once worked with my friend that had gotten pregnant for the first time. She immediately told me how drastically different people inquired about how she was feeling. Daily, people would ask her with more care, “how are you feeling?” She told me in detail the way they asked about her with more concern and she was surprised. I could feel it in her voice that it was because she was pregnant. It was remarkable by the way she felt seen and heard. How she felt special in that period of time of being pregnant with her first baby and how everyone in your life is doting on you, wondering what is next. Pregnancy is a beautiful time for some people. However, I often wonder what would happen if we treated every day women simply in this way with reverence, highly respected, and cared for in their journey perhaps without children. My friend continued to express the stark contrast of how people didn’t ask her how she felt before she got pregnant in this way and how she knew this could possibly change after giving birth.
Motherhood is more than a bunch of roses
I once heard a fellow mother express how she wanted “many flowers” to hold, referring to having many children. It's wonderful for her that more flowers were her goal. I was glad she could identify her wish even after having four children. I wondered how she saw others that chose only to have one or two children. I wondered also how many people praised those women that have no children. Even if circumstances didn’t allow certain individuals to get pregnant either by choice or circumstances. I have witnessed people criticize women for having no children, only having one child, having too many children and the reasons are simply too critical. It is almost like they feel pity for the woman who didn’t get married or chose to not have children because they are at the bottom of this social construct of a hierarchy of having children. Or I would hear, “I have 5 children but you only have one.” Just because you can count on your hands how many kids you have doesn’t make the woman with only one child less experienced in the quality of parenting. Connecting with others doesn’t have to equate putting each other down. Rather than picking each other apart, we can lift each other up.
More importantly, we need to respect each other simply as who we are especially in this parenting journey. We hear more of how mothers have so much on their mind, being overstimulated, and often, carrying more of the mental load of families even though they might be the breadwinner. Motherhood can be very isolating and asking for help from others is hard. We live in a culture where doing things on your own is respected more. Trust is hard especially with the caring of your own children.
Becoming curious about how motherhood impacts a woman’s life may be the reason to start therapy. If caregiving has you feeling like you need some support, click here to get started. Please feel free to email me here or find me on Therapy Den .
