How do I manage my child’s tantrums?
There are a garden variety of tantrums children may have around their parents. Some can be quickly remedied with a snack, a hug, or redirected with jokes. These are major parenting skills that can be learned but unfortunately many of us have never been modeled to behave this way when stress or the avalanche of a tantrum comes crashing down on you. Most of them require us as parents to “remain calm.” A parent might even say to the child, “calm down” but that rarely works. When was the last time you felt sad or angry and someone told you, “just calm down,” and that worked? Never really.
Calming techniques might be to tell yourself, “I am the parent” or maybe taking a deep breath. A tantrum is intense and it’s a cry for help from a child to the parent to pay attention immediately to the child’s emotions. A child’s tantrum can be easily translated to “help me figure out these big emotions!” Yes, they love that toy they want but what is the emotion that exists there? Kids need help identifying their emotions. They need our empathy and mirroring of their feelings. This takes skills from a parent and it takes time to learn.
These scenarios are also typically never ideal. Tantrums happen in the grocery store, while a parent is driving or while making dinner. Parents have to make the call on what to say and how to say it. Many times, it’s allowing the storm of a tantrum to pass while the parent is sitting there mirroring their response and perhaps saying very little at all. Many parents ignore the tantrums, hoping that the child will forget or it will pass. “You’re okay” responses may work temporarily but what does this all mean if the child keeps getting louder or more ear piercing with their tantrums?
Try these 5 techniques:
Remain calm and refrain from taking anything personally. Setting an intention in the beginning of a tantrum may help a parent stay positive despite the chaos of a tantrum. Pick a mantra for yourself like “I am the parent.” Or “I can handle my child’s tantrums.”
Demonstrate outwardly that you are the parent and that you can handle your child’s behavior no matter what. Mirror the emotions. “I see that you are mad.” If the child screams back at you, crying more intensely, try to stay the course in a positive way. That might be the last wave before the child reaches the emotion of sadness. Maybe the child doesn’t need any words and a simple handing them a Kleenex stops the tantrum immediately. Maybe even a hug, and you can ask if they need one. Consent is important here.
Co-regulating with your child may mean coming to their eye level, either by having a seat on the floor, or coming to your knees to show them you are present for them with their big emotions. Maybe offering a hug or words like “It’s okay to be angry.”
Take a break. Let’s be honest here, managing a tantrum will, at some point, activate a part of parents’ childhood wounds. How a parent was treated as a child can return to the present day when their own child does something similar or inspires a feeling of how a parent felt when they were a child. Know when you are reaching a point of activation. Parents can run on empty. Lack of sleep, a stressful job, or even just families having little to no family support. Know that when the ear piercing tantrums immediately agitates you, an action plan is needed. “Mommy will be with you in two minutes after I finish using the bathroom.” Maybe you don’t need to use the bathroom, but that gives you one moment to look at yourself in the mirror and ground yourself. If the child screams or tries to follow you, model, “wow, I was going to take a break to calm down, but I see this makes it hard to be alone with your feelings.” The child may not even allow you to respond but staying positive in the face of rough parts of parenting is important. Getting a glass of water or taking a deep breath can often ground parents too. As we model taking a deep breath, wait until they decide to take a deep breath with you if it’s possible. Either way, you are modeling how to manage stress. Children are sponges in that when a parent is starting to calm down, they typically calm down.
Levity. Also timing a parents’ strength, using comedy can often break the tension of a tantrum. If you know a silly Dad joke or you know what makes your child laugh, create that space. A quiet sensitive parent can whisper quietly like you have a fun surprise. Then, looking out the window, or looking for a lost toy, may bring both of you to the present. You might also want to grab a pen and start drawing to help your child use the creative side of their brain. In the end, you as a parent learn your child's needs and what works, asking “how are you feeling now?”
If most of what you have read, you have tried and they just don’t work, you may benefit from more support in therapy. Parents suffer silently unnecessarily. You may email me at therapy@veronicadelpino.com or call at 803-573-0279. You can also reach me here to schedule an appointment online. Parents deserve to feel supported to have more joyful and meaningful memories in the parenting journey.
