Body Safety Education Part 3: Consent

“Child abuse costs the United States approximately 106 billion per year” (Praesidium). Staying silent about childhood sexual abuse is the currency that perpetrators count on because perpetrators hide in plain sight and they count on others to be silenced.  Especially for victims like a child that is directly manipulated into silence.  An adult that may witness the actual event and depending on the situation, the perpetrator gets away with it.  Secrecy is a weapon perpetrators wield to get away with this public health issue.   Abuse is about power and control.  Consent is the antidote and we as parents must become more comfortable introducing this word to our children.  Instead of turning away from the word consent, more adults need to turn toward the way consent enables the truth.  Talking about a problem like the prevalance of childhood sexual abuse sheds light on the problem.  It allows parents to normalize that this is a real fear and that you no longer have to avoid thinking about it. There is something you can do to prevent your child from becoming a statistic. Consent is the ability to communicate, request, and to ask for permission to do something with you or to you.  Children can consent or refuse consent to what is being done to their bodies and by whom.  This blog is about how parents can begin to understand the word consent and begin to teach your child what this word means to them at different developmental stages. This is the third part of body safety education that ties together boundaries and body autonomy.  

For children, consent means being able to communicate permission like whether they’d like a hug or kiss from a family member.  Some parents may minimize that these small moments of consent really don’t matter or that we are raising rude children.  However, what many parents may fail to understand is that children are learning about authority figures, attachment, and consent with their caregivers.  Every day, children have a chance to learn social skills by saying, “no, let’s just high five it instead of hugging.”  These low stakes situations help children sharpen their assertiveness skills so that when the time arrives to really say it, they are more likely to know how to respond.  

Stay vigilant vs. Hypervigilant 

Modeling what we want children to do is the best teacher but parents may be ill equipped to do this.  We want children to be kind, show respect, and use empathy toward others.  This includes how we, as parents, demonstrate consent with our own children.  This concept can feel foreign to parents that grew up without an understanding of boundaries, body autonomy, and consent.  This blog is tying the understanding that once parents are consistent with teaching about boundaries and body autonomy, then ultimately consent can be understood. This takes time and lots of practice like providing role playing to enhance their learning process.  This can be confusing for parents that have really gotten accustomed to remaining hypervigilant and scanning their environment for dangerous situations.  This past pattern to be overly anxious and be hypervigilant can strain the parent-child bond.  It was once useful to use this trauma response for parents that grew up in violent homes. Hypervigilance in parenthood is remaining too anxious where you are trying to be safe and keep those closest the safest. It works until a parent starts to have insight and sees they are following in the same toxic patterns they swore they would never do.  

However, being vigilant is completely different.  Being vigilant comes from a place of safety, knowledge, and empowerment.   It means, you are doing the work to become informed as a parent with your young children and are starting to understand your own experiences. Being insightful can begin small like when a parent reflects at how their overaction to spilled milk is rooted in past traumatic generational trauma.  Overreacting over small mistakes that are often reactionary can make a parent feel like they don’t recognize themselves.  Parents can begin to recognize their patterns and make small changes in order to break generational trauma. It can begin in reading a book with your child.  

Teaching consent in Preschool;

           Teaching consent as parents in the home, means understanding your own feelings, boundaries, and your right to body autonomy.  In turn, your insight will provide empathy for your child to have the same rights even from a young age.  Yes, children have big feelings and the decibel range in volume can make someone run in the opposite direction.  There lies in the power of a parent to remain the child’s safety.  A child’s brain doesn’t fully form until the age of 25 years old.  Their neocortex is where executive functioning skills are still developing like impulse control, sequence of direction, and discerning choices to make.  

You can practice helping your preschooler understand consent when they are learning how to use the bathroom.  For example, you begin to establish boundaries by saying, “okay I will teach you how to wipe your genitalia after you use the bathroom, but mommy will describe to you exactly what I am doing to help you do it for yourself.” Then, when the child tries it by themselves, you can further encourage your child to “ask for help.”  In this way, you can knock on the door and ask, “can I come in?”  When a parent knocks on the door, they are asking for consent which allows the parent to make it clear to the child that this is how a safe person interacts with them.  It is an age appropriate respectful way with time limits in the bathroom.  

There are various children’s age appropriate board books like My Body is Special and Private by Adrianne Simone.  They teach about the proper names of private parts and the correct anatomical name of their parts, and that no secrets are kept.  No one can show you their private parts or images of private parts.  I want to emphasize that this includes adults and peers.  All adults should know this and if any adults ask the child to keep secrets they are violating the idea of consent.  Another book that can easily be introduced is called No means No by Jayneen Sanders.  There are many more tools to use and introduce to children that can be easily incorporated in every day.  One of the best ways to help them understand is when children start invading your own space as parents. Remember kids have yet to learn about boundaries and you are the learning ground.  If you are eating and your child climbs on you, but you’d like to eat.  The three year old sits happily in your lap and maybe that works for a moment, depending on your own individual needs or boundaries.  You can say, “Thanks for joining me at dinner so closely but mommy would like to finish eating.”   You can help redirect your child to play with their favorite toy or something more interactive like placing stickers on a piece of paper.  

Teaching Consent in Elementary Age  

Again, here we continue the journey of open expression of feelings. That no feelings are right or wrong.  They simply are feelings and that in this family we express our feelings to identify them.  Then, once they are identified, you can guide your child to manage their feelings.  Some emotions can still be similar to the big emotions of the tantrum days especially in kindergarten and first grade.  A lot of this depends on a child’s temperament, their genetics, their learning style, and what kind of childhood adverse experiences they have endured.  As parents we can be triggered by our own children’s big emotions.  Many parents have to learn the skills to unlearn past patterns that no longer serve them.  Children may express louder than others and they need direction in helping them go from total meltdown, having a safe adult model taking deep breaths, and then to an executive state of being able to say, “I feel better now.”  

Teaching Consent for tweens

         Children leaving childhood into tween years are between ages 9-12. Tweens are beginning to understand much more than a typical 8 year old.  This varies of course and depends on things like age, gender, order of birth, socioeconomic status and other stressors factors that might be happening for them.  However, this age group needs more specific attention as they enter the stage of their peers becoming more important to them.  We as parents still have more influence but their peers are definitely getting more attention.  This coming of age brings a lot of understanding because kids can filter through a lot of what was never on their radar when much younger.  They ask questions and even the quiet ones that don’t ask questions still are processing at a faster rate than what we may be giving them credit for and they see parents much more clearly.  

We as parents have to continue to fine tune their prosocial skills and how to talk about their feelings.  Tweens can come across as rude if they don’t say “hello” and especially in some cultures such as the Latino culture, many traditional norms are all about giving a kiss and always greeting.  However, I encourage many parents to refrain from forcing their child to give kisses to new family members or even the handyman that comes to the door.  

Mom survivors can be triggered by a male figure coming to their home and children may pick up on this.  Tweens may also seem aloof and never even greet the handyman.  It’s okay because children are allowed to have their own feelings at any time.  We have to practice with our children so that they can be focused on themselves and in forming their identity which is an age appropriate activity.  Yes, greeting is a skill but the nuance of this must be emphasized.  Children do not owe anything to anyone and at this tender age they are beginning to understand more of what is expected of them.  Whether they are male or female.  

Tweens can really step into their identity and allow themselves to take up space.  It is often a struggle for girls for example to truly accept who they are at this time. Even at 9 years old a girl’s confidence peaks.  Then, they start to stress about all the changes they are going through such as their physical appearance like in weight.  They begin to see and become more aware of the “male gaze.”  Just because a man or any adult steps into a room, doesn’t equate that a child must immediately greet them.  I want to emphasize that tweens really begin to listen to their gut instinct.  Parents must be aware of this instinct their child begins to realize.  Helping your child to hone in on their instincts is part of using their tools in navigating consent.  If their impression of someone is negative or gives them a “creepy vibe”, then your child will listen to it more if we as parents allow them to do this.  

             I want to emphasize how tweens need to listen to their instincts because there was a recent case in March of this year where an Oregon father of a 12 year old daughter’s sleepover drugged 3 girls that were there.  He made mango smoothies and placed depressant drugs into them pressuring them to drink them. Consent here was never given and even when consent was refused he insisted. The girls ended up texting their parents to pick them up, but now the alleged father is pleading not guilty.  

I bring this story to light because parents need to understand that in 90% of sexual abuse cases the victim already knows the perpetrator.  We want our children to absolutely refuse a smoothie like that.  The other day, I offered my tween a smoothie but she tasted it and didn’t want it.  I asked further about why and she just couldn’t tell me exactly.  That’s okay.  She for some reason didn’t want it.  I honored her choice and it could be a random reason.  It’s her reason and I refuse to take anything personally especially when it comes to food.  There are a variety of books and I can help direct you toward the best ones on the market like My Body Sends a Signal by Natalie Maguire or  On the Internet: Our First Talk About Online Safety by Dr. Jillian Roberts.  

Survivors of childhood trauma may need help navigating how to help your child set boundaries, give them body autonomy, and consent.  I am currently accepting clients for residents in Illinois, South Carolina and North Carolina.  Parents don’t have to wait until something urgent is happening to your child.  You can come ask for help when things are just tough. You don’t have to wait so long to get the help and support you need.  The easiest way to contact me to schedule a free 15 minute consultation is here, email here, or call at 803-573-0279.