Body Safety Education Part 2: Body Autonomy
Research indicates that children are more aware of body autonomy and body integrity. In fact, as soon as toddlers begin talking, their first declarations are “no!” However, these toddler refusals are labeled as the “terrible twos.” The mere fact that toddlers can articulate their self-determination with such fervor about their body autonomy, encapsulates the issues some parents deem as problematic.
Many parents’ eyebrows are raised when someone may ask them, “do you believe in body autonomy for your child?” Body Autonomy is the right to choose without force or coercion, what an individual wants to do with their body. A prime example of this is when there are holiday gatherings and children are expected to kiss or hug family members they may be meeting for the first time in their life. Maybe they even know their family members, but just don’t feel like a hug or kiss. Many parents do not recognize that children are sovereign and have basic rights to their body autonomy. Parents were typically taught and modeled that children have no rights, that the parent is the authoritative parental figure. The focus becomes about greeting the adult family member and it’s a direct result of how children are taught to always obey or just do what their parents are asking. Sometimes, it becomes about what another stranger or common family member demands. However, if the child flat out refuses, we as parents can honor that child’s choice. Forcing a child to give a grandparent a kiss becomes complicated if they are kicking and screaming in their tantrum. Parents don’t have to hug or kiss someone they just met, so expecting children to feign affection for someone they just met is sending a message to the child that they can’t listen to their own voice and body.
This blog is the second part of the Body Safety Education series which focuses on Body Autonomy with children in parenting. Parents can encourage children to follow their right to refuse affection or say, “no, thanks.” This is important because parents can send the message to their child that their voice matters and listening to their body cues also matters. A lot of parenting is helping our children slow down which is very complicated in this fast paced society. The goal is really to help your child over time to choose how to think, feel and move in their own bodies. This is a slow, intentional and patient process to help children discover their own potential, strengths, and ultimately maturity.
My Body and it belongs to me
Children learn best when parents are modeling what they want their children to do. For example, if we want our children to respect us and speak kindly to their siblings, we must model this every day. We must model this respectful behavior to them and to others that children witness us interact with on a daily basis. Many of us were raised to listen, obey, and never say no to our parents. So many parents struggle with raising their children differently than how they were raised. Children already know how to say no and most parents know this especially during the toddler years. Babies can communicate loudly “no” by crying inconsolably when they only want their mother or a particular need like being fed.
We teach children that their body belongs to them because it’s part of helping them understand that no one else has more rights over their body than them. If we repeatedly teach them to override their own feelings and thoughts on whether to hug a complete stranger, then in the least, we set the foundation of raising children to be a people pleaser. In a riskier situation, we set children up to forgo their instincts with perpetrators. Master manipulators will attempt to groom families first and move onto children. Parents must be prepared to spot how offenders target parents and look for an absence of understanding body autonomy.
Perpetrators look for vulnerabilities in children that lack knowledge about their right to say, “no, you can’t do that!” That is why it’s important to teach and normalize the identification of their anatomically correct body private parts, which includes the proper name for their genitalia. The more that children understand that they are in charge of their private parts and they are the boss of their body parts, the less likely that they will become a victim of childhood sexual abuse. This takes time for parents to understand themselves that body autonomy rights can be extended to children too. Then teaching it to your child at each stage of their development will not only decrease their chances of getting abused but also strengthen the bond between child and parent.
The purpose of explaining body safety to your child in a calm and connected manner is that they understand that their genitalia are their private parts. That children need to be reminded that they have a right to say no and to never keep a secret. Jayneen Sanders is a children's book author on body safety education and her book called Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent, and Respect is a wonderful way to introduce these concepts.
A great example is when a toddler or preschooler is in the toilet training stage. Many parents want their child to learn this skill to enter preschool and often this is a great time to start modeling to their child what is “privacy” along with their correct terms for their bathing suit area. Many toddlers and preschoolers will want privacy and kick their parents out of the bathroom area. Some children may also want to leave the door open and have the parent available if they need help. This is a pivotal part too because they are learning to ask for help. Asking for help is part of the bonding experience in parenting although it can be very exhausting for many caregivers. It’s easy to gloss over this part because when a child knows they can come ask you for help in small ways such as toilet training they will be able to come talk to you later with tricky behavior at camp or an interaction they noticed at school.
Encouraging open expressions of all feelings and understanding body autonomy is setting your child up for optimal success. You are encouraging them to notice their body rights and how to identify their feelings in certain confusing situations. For example, if your child interacts with a peer that exhibits oversexualized behavior, your child will be more likely to talk to you about it. The reason that your child can come talk to you is because you have set the stage to normalize the discussion of body safety education. The more we open the door to talk about body safety the more likely they will bring up tricky situations. If we only read one book about body safety, your child may forget to bring it up due to the embarrassment of the situation. However, as parents can read a book I Said No! by Kimberly King. Parents can open the conversation as children may forget or when they freeze, it will be filed away until they feel safer to talk with a trusted adult that allows this conversation.
Early Warning Signs
Human anatomy has been somehow tucked away for those that are “mature” and yet many young college women feel lost when trying to decipher if the young man in college is a trusted person. This becomes complicated with the consumption of alcohol and how that interacts with our bodies. Our bodies carry our stories and help us navigate through the world. A nose can detect smells like a smoke filled home or a smoker. A child processes data quickly and their ability to learn things like a language is much faster than an adult. This is proven when children learn languages and adults struggle to learn a new language.
A child needs to practice listening to their senses like smells, sights, tastes, sound, touch, and hearing. I would even suggest that a child’s instincts are stronger than an adults. Young children, especially toddlers have many self righteous declarations such as what they want to eat, how they want to be held, and we as parents are often exhausted at helping your child figure these out. We as parents can approach these things with more levity, curiosity, connection, and attunement. It takes time to prepare a child so that they can start identifying how their early warning signs in their body are connected to the presence of a potential perpetrator.
A perpetrator can suggest something like looking at an inappropriate image or the way someone looks at a child in an oversexualized way. I remember being in Catholic catechism and there was a teacher there that would leer at my sister and it was totally creepy. I never forget that look and can spot those oddities still easily today. Perpetrators will test and manipulate victims. For example, they may try to show them an inappropriate image or show their own private parts to a child. This can happen between peers in bathrooms and it’s a red flag. The perpetrator may say, “oh, that image wasn’t meant for you.” The peer may even try to coerce the young victim to not reporting the inappropriate behavior to another camp counselor. It is through experiences at school that children can begin to discern what kind of behavior is permissible. Even more alarming is that camp counselors may be minors themselves and demonstrate poor boundaries. They may not pick up on the nuance of a child at camp trying to tell them what their peer did in the bathroom and the camp counselor misses this absolutely important moment. If your child does disclose to you, it is your right as a parent to express your concern to the camp site directors that are present.
Granted many children are trying to grasp this skill of standing up for themselves or even ask about questionable behavior others are exhibiting. The early warning signs children exhibit when faced with inappropriate behavior by a perpetrator can be: sweaty palms, feels like hair is standing on the end, start to cry, heart beats fast, feel sick to your stomach, the need to go to the bathroom, shakey all over, and legs can be wobbly. We must also remind parents that the mouth is considered a private part and no one is allowed to kiss them without their permission and refusing affection from others is permissible. Some children will invariably freeze as this is a common trauma induced response. It is never the victim’s fault if they tell much later, even after years. Children will likely disclose or make an outcry when they feel safe. Stressed out parents or parents that experience low family support or have gone through generational trauma are at risk for missing the opportunity to hear your child navigate a tricky situation.
Safety Network
Jayneen Sanders has a wonderful book that I read to my children when they were little and continue to read. It’s called The ABC of Body Safety. It introduces the aspect of children having a safety network with the usage of showing them on their hand, five trusted people that they can tell if something inappropriate happens to them. These five people are considered safe people that both parent and child have identified together as the book takes you through the reasons why. It can be a safe teacher that the child says they trust or a peer’s parent that they have deemed safe to them when no one is looking. The safe parent can ask the child’s input why they consider that adult safe. It’s also important to remind the child that parents will love their child no matter what even if they forget to tell. The important aspect is that the onus is on the parents and other adults in the room to help the child feel safe.
There are many things that will happen to your child when you are not around and some of them are benign. However, the point to start identifying a safety network is two fold. It also allows the parent to reach out to the teacher or the uncle that they have deemed “safe” and it allows the conversation to begin on why we talk about body safety education. This community is the start of understanding that children have a safety network and they can voice their issues with them.
There is also a caveat in creating a safety network. We as parents must create a sense of safety. We must be one of the trusted parents where children feel attunement and connection is being made even when children are making mistakes. Even when we as parents are at our wit’s end, we still manage to figure it out because we are problem solvers and we can learn to take breaks, or wait until the storm of a tantrum has passed. I also want to add that just because I talk about children having a voice doesn’t mean parents have a zero say in keeping children safe. For example, when children resist bath time or express wanting to eat cookies right before dinner. Those are big moments to help them understand the nuance of how parents will teach about being clean is a health hygiene factor and teaching about feeling satiated is important in understanding their body or hunger cues.
Connection of body signs and feelings
Children have very primal feelings and behaviors due to how their neocortex is still developing and this can overwhelm even the most seasoned parents. We as parents must remain steadfast and like a tree in a storm, very deeply rooted in the ground. Many parents have been living in survival mode and they too have been scathed by storms in their own childhood. Parents must work through their own triggers and activation, in order to give their child the best version of themselves. I provide EMDR therapy for mothers and caregivers wanting to respond more respectful and kind to their children. The healing that takes place can help parents also prevent their child from ever becoming a statistic. To start therapy you can schedule your free 15 minute consultation here, email here, or call 803-573-0279.
