Back to School Safety Network
It’s August and many parents across the United States are gearing to head back to school. Some parents may have a sense of relief while others may have some major hesitation. Some children may also have a sense of anxiety because of the changes that might occur and there may be a mix of an array of feelings like excitement to see familiar faces. Students may missing that routine of school and their social opportunities. It’s important for parents to become attuned to your child’s social and emotional health. This will invariably help their overall mental and physical well being. The one thing that is very important as parents is helping their child to transition back to school. This entails keeping one’s own attunement of how your child feels and behaves as the summer ends and as the school year starts.
As survivors of childhood sexual abuse you may have some reservations in sending your child back to school. You may wonder who is the teacher is and will they match your child’s needs in the classroom. Trusting someone like a teacher with your child is hard work for survivors. This blog is about building your child’s safety network. This takes time for many survivors because the list of adults they trust is a loaded issue for them and especially today, so much is happening at schools. However, the beginning of the year is a great place to begin talking with your child on their safety network.
What is a Safety Network?
You may wonder how one starts to develop a safety network with your child. Jayneen Sanders wrote a book called My Body What I Say Goes! In this book, you and your child ages 4-9 can begin to understand what is a safety network is for your child. This book introduces concepts like body safety and body boundary rules which I summarize in my other blogs. Sanders also covers the importance of a child and their parents to start identifying who is in their safety network. You and your child can begin to have that conversation on who they deem to be someone they can trust and feel comfortable around. You may even come up with some of the same people as you begin this conversation with your child. In this book you can write down the names of the people in your child’s safety network.
They can be one person outside of the family which is like a teacher, a coach, or even a babysitter. A child may identify a peer as a person on their safety network and that could work when they are little. As a parent, you want to start the conversation on what characteristics does this peer have to be considered on their safety network. Encourage your child to also notice what characteristics that the peer has that another adult demonstrates to them the idea of safety. These conversations encourage a child to begin matching their observational skills with how other adults behave toward them. A minimum of three people for younger ages like preschoolers and kindergarteners. For ages six years old and older, you definitely want your child to know 5 people in their safety network. One person minimum must be able to drive.
Safe Person
Moms are busy and many involved parents may often find it hard to really get to know other parents. Some parents take it day by day and female single headed households, carry the majority of the mental load over many years. Married mothers may be doing similar work even with modern men as they deal with the antics of the patriarchy. Survivors may often have a hard time trusting others, especially adults. This is expected and completely understandable because 90% of survivors know their perpetrators. This fact that a trusted adult can harm another child is often the reason why mothers isolate and unfortunately this can leave many families to be targets by perpetrators. We as parents need to have conversations with our partners and other safe people that are willing to talk about this. Safe people do not shy away or rationalize that age appropriate children’s books about body safety can be too risky. We don’t have to be silenced by shame because that is the perpetrator’s goal. We as parents can simply begin the conversation with other parents by modeling with our children. Mothers can often tell when another parent gets uncomfortable to talk about body safety. Some parents may find it too risky to talk even openly about their feelings, let alone the issue of childhood sexual abuse. Their child is at risk though and that is noted because mothers quickly pick up on that. Peer to peer abuse has gone up from 30% to 70% and it’s something to be mindful as parents when playdates happen.
One way to model with our children is to continue asking things like, “I am so excited to see you, can I have a hug?” If your child declines, that’s okay. There are many ways you can express yourself in response like, “awe that’s okay, I understand.” The more you can express your disappointment in an age appropriate way, the better. Another example can be when a child notices that their friend is leaving a play date. As a parent, you may notice your child can get excited and give lots of hugs, maybe even kisses to their friend, saying goodbye. We as parents can remind your child that, “I know you are excited but it’s important to ask for permission for hugs or kisses.” That sends a signal to the other parent that you are highlighting the importance of consent. You may not have the opportunity to talk about “consent” and what that means to your family but the next time you get together may be a great time to share this family goal you have with your child.
You can continue to help your child to have this conversation on what deems a safe person in helping your child understand boundaries. For example, even though your child is still learning about asking for permission and safety, it’s okay to make mistakes like when they give a hug to a friend without asking for permission. As long as they understand that it’s something they need reminders on and that they are working on since impulse control is still developing. It is important to emphasize that adults should already know to ask for permission for a hug. That is why parents need to model consent in a consistent and respectful way.
Alternatively, a child that feels safe around a teacher and has already identified her as safe can give affection if they choose to do so. Even that may be need to be cleared up if the teacher declines or a peer prefers not to hug. However, I want to emphasize the importance of a child initiating a hug in a classroom.That is something that is being expressed. The same thing with two kids running toward each other for a hug. That is consent based on nonverbal behavior. We can begin to have these direct conversations with our children. For example, “I noticed you and your friend ran toward each other for a hug. You didn’t ask for consent but it was clear that both of you wanted a hug. Jayneen Sanders has wonderful posters to download that you can place on your refrigerator or in your child’s room. Posters send messages to children about the culture of consent in your family but it also let’s adult perpetrators that know that they will likely be caught.
You can begin to have conversations with your child about “who is a safe person?” As a parent you want to highlight the importance of body boundaries. Rosalia Rivera on Consent Parenting summarizes a safe person:
A safe person never makes you keep any kind secret or threatens you to keep a secret.
A safe person is someone that will help me when I ask for help. This can entail an individual that can help a child that asks for help with basic needs or if a child discloses abuse.
A safe person respects boundaries like when you refuse a hug or you ask them to stop tickling you.
A safe person will always believe the child and try to get help. A safe person will never try to hurt a child.
Developing a Safety Network
Developing a safety network is one you can simply just start by having a conversation with your child on who they deem as safe. However, as a parent you know that this is more involved. Parents live in a world where we are often busy, isolated, and taxed. Kids need to know that they have parents working on being connected to their family support system. This means knowing people in the community they can count on from watching their pet to helping out in an urgent matter. Children benefit when their parents are supported by others they trust in their community. It can begin by identifying a trusted babysitter and telling them about your style of body boundaries, body autonomy and consent. Identifying safe people takes time and is a nuanced conversation. Even though a family member may be on the same page, it’s important that this communication is clear and deliberate. For example, if a situation arises like when a mothers is about to give birth to their second child and they are trying to figure out who will care for their older child. It also enables parents to provide a foundation of how children can become resourceful in getting help. Parents deserve to know who they can count on if a child discloses to their aunt who is considered a safe person. In practical terms, parents can count on their child being taken care of by safe people if an emergency came up and both biological parents were needed to be hospitalized. I say this because planning and being thoughtful about scenarios helps create a culture of consent for ourselves as for our children.
Many parents want to learn about how to make a safety network because it helps alleviate the anxiety around emergency plans or the planning of things with life transitions like having a baby. Mothers no longer have to do it alone. We often can feel the burnout of motherhood when we are trying to manage it all by ourselves. However, we are human beings and as it was shown in the pandemic, being isolated only creates more difficulty for our overall well being. I help mothers and other caregivers that are survivors of childhood sexual abuse & that want more family support. I am currently accepting clients in Illinois, South Carolina and North Carolina. You can schedule a free 15 minute consultation here, email me here, or call me 803-803-573-0279.
